Wanna play guess which baby??

After you decide which one we are leaning towards.. tell me if you think she is a boy or a girl.. just curious what you think they look like.

I know I haven't been around.. Sorry. Just going through .. stuff.

Enjoy the guessing.. and let me just tell you that things aren't always as they seem.

smooch

How is this for happy!!!

I came home tonight to my husband telling me that we are having a baby! And that was final.
Granted my baby will have four legs.

Don't get me wrong in no way does that take away my hurt of losing my Binky Boo but it does give me hope.

Not only are we having a baby we are getting Binky's sister. Same parents.

I thought this would make you all smile a little.

Tragedy

I know I have been missing in action for that I am sorry. I haven't had the heart to blog ... honestly I do not know how to put into words what is going on in my world. So I am going to do the best I can and please forgive me if it is too graphic or offensive.

We lost our little angel "Binky Boo" this weekend. I would post you a picture but I can't do that without breaking into tears yet again. My eyes already look like they have gone 10 rounds with Ali, and I wouldn't think there could anymore tears left in me, but I continue to surprise myself by breaking out at any given time. Like right now.

I went to Busch Gardens with my kids Saturday and came home to Binky barely breathing and whimpering with every breath she tried to make. I had talked to the waterman on the way home and he had told me she jumped off the dock and he had to jump in and save her, but he didn't prepare me for what I was about to see. He was in denial, complete total denial. I can understand, and do not blame him in any way. It was a freak accident and no one's fault. I suppose I was a little more together than he was as he was the one with her and wanted her to be ok. I called my vet, who was closed and directed me to the on call dr. I call him, imagine my surprise to find a message "I am sorry we are at church for the evening, if you have an emergency call so and so." Well so and so was over an hour away, my mother tried other vets in our area but no one was available. I am sorry but if you are going to be on call for emergencies I am sure that your god wouldn't mind if you took and emergency call during a Saturday evening service to save someone's loved one. Apparently Dr AssWipe didn't agree with me.

I threw my youngest son in the car and had him hold Binky as I was driving like a mad woman, not to mention crying like one. We didnt' make it one mile from home before she stopped breathing and her eyes rolled back. I screamed and grabbed her, apparently that was enough to shock her back into breathing. I dropped my son off and picked up my daughter, I needed some one with me that could help me, Drake is a great kid, but with him screaming and crying as much as me just wasn't helping me at the moment. I needed someone with me that would keep talking to Binky.. keep her alert.

I had so much hope when I got to that doctors office. I just knew that Binky was going to be ok. They were going to fix her. They had too.. she was Binky! The doctor came out and asked me how long she had been in the water, I had no clue, they asked me if she had hit her head, I had no clue. I wasn't there. The most I could get out of the husband when I got home was that she was in the water on her side and he lost his boots. I still do not know for sure what happened to my Binky. I am sure I will never really know. Later in the night the waterman said she ran up on the dock and just never stopped and fell over, he dove in after her but she never tried to swim.

The vets gave her medicine to get the water out of her lungs but it just was too little too late. The lack of oxygen to her brain for hours had already caused damage. The first thing we noticed was that she couldn't see me, then her hearing went. It progressively got worse. For hours I sat with her begging her to fight to try for mama. And she did.. she tried so hard. She got her tempurature back up (after the vet had tried for about 2 hours with a heating blanket with very little luck) and her oxygen level went up as long as I talked to her but she didn't have enough strength left to keep fighting. Then peice by peice she just shut down.

I have never in my life gone through anything so traumatic. To hold her, Binky, and watch her slip away is more than my heart can even begin to bear. I have cried, I have screamed, I have wanted to just sit down and quit, I have worked, I have cleaned, I have washed clothes, I have tried to carry on as normal. I can't. I really can't. Every where I look I see her. She brought us so much joy and happiness and now there is this big hole and I just don't think we can fill it. The rift in this family is something I never imagined could happen but it has. I am sitting here alone, crying. I haven't been held and told it was going to be ok. I haven't been comforted. I know I am not the only one who lost her but is that really the point?

I came home in the wee hours Sunday morning and comforted my husband, and told him it would be ok, and it wasn't his fault and that I loved him, and I would be here for him. Is it too much to ask for that in return. He honestly hasn't talked to me all day. I can count on my hands the number of words he has said to me today. Maybe he doesn't know what to say, maybe he doesn't know how to say it, maybe .. I am so sick of maybe. All i know right now is I feel like I have lost every peice of happiness I had, the very thread that held me together. I have lost the thing I have looked all my life for.... unconditional love.

I love you Binky Boo.. I miss you.

A taste of fall!

Good Evening my lovely ladies!

I first have to say hi to a few people that have left comments that aren't my regular fans.

Hi there Lisa Carol and Katie!
Katie I know where you popped in from but Lisa Carol is a mind stumper since she asked me a question in my comments but I had no way but via my blog to respond. So Lisa Carol.. reveal yourself honey.. if you have a blog let us know! We love to blog hop to new places!

As for the rest of you.. SMOOCH!!!

Ok on to my real post. My sister person and I are both very strong advocates of fall. She tries to save Thanksgiving every year from being over taken by Christmas. I relish in Halloween myself.. are any of you surprised?? Either way fall is a favorite time of year for both of us. I think she always looks so radiant in the fall, I think it has to do with her tones, she is a very beautiful woman and it is something about the fall colors that just make her pop.

Another thing I just adore about fall, Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks! Oh not to mention the pumpkin cream cheese muffins they have. I can actually SEE my ass get bigger as I am walking out the store but dear god those things are to DIE for. The good thing is that the closest Starbucks to me is an hour away. However, there is a substitute, International Coffees has a Pumpkin Pie coffee cream in the diary section and I must say it runs a very close second. To me it is just the perfect thing on those brisk fall mornings or cool fall evenings. I made a cup tonight and walked out on the deck to enjoy the air and the pumpkin. I was in heaven.

The one bad thing about fall on the water is nothing changes. We don't have the beautiful color changes of the trees, we many have Pine Trees around these parts so leaves of fall color is not something I get to enjoy unless I take a trip west, which I never do by the way.

Oh and apparently my blog is boring.... no pictures.

I hate my camera, so I don't take many pictures anymore.

SMOOCHIES!!!

Mystery Solved

The song is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. I didn't really mean to make this a guessing game, yesterday's post just popped into my head at an inopportune time for blogging. So I just threw the lyrics up there and let it ride.

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face...

...stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

One of the best lyrics ever.

Thanks Kim for reminding me of it.

The books I read...

Since I have three weeks off from school I have started reading for fun again. I am currently reading Fahrenheit 451 which I swear I was supposed to read in high school but don't remember actually doing it. Which is odd because I typically read what I was supposed to. My problem wasn't that I didn't READ the material it was my view of the material was always what the teachers called WRONG.

It leads me to believe that teachers really do not want us to think, they just want to pump us full of ideas that some high power has decided is what is right. I remember I once did a term paper and was told how wrong it was because of my personal view on the subject matter. I matter of factly told the teacher that I was not in fact wrong I just didn't believe in the same things that she did. I got an F anyway.

I also remember having to pick apart literary works of art and spew back to the teacher what the author meant by saying something like "the sky rolled with a blackness the color of death" of course me being the person I am my typical response would be "I haven't the slightest idea because death isn't black at all .. it is more of a teal." Again I would get a F. Why was it wrong.. because apparently that the author meant was something to the effect of "it was dark outside" My question was always.. well if that is what he meant why the hell didn't he say it was dark outside! My point also being that if the author wanted us all to think that what he meant was it was dark outside then he would have left no wiggle room, he would have said that.

I can give you many different means to "the sky rolled with a blackness the color of death."
1. there is a storm rolling in.
2. the sky was filled with spirits of the dead.
3. the sky was clouded with smoke

And I can tell you all of the are right... how do I know.. because I wrote the stupid line.

I get so tired of people telling me how to interpret things, I have a brain, I will decide on my own. Apparently I am failing life as well.