Well this is different..

This post started out weird.. It was a reply to another blog post so it is going to read funny until you get to the point it says Cutting and Pasting Here.



Quite funny your post today is about writing her story.. I have begun thinking (wondering if begun is a word right now) that maybe it is time.. to put it on paper. My story. My life. From the day my mother got the good news followed very quickly by the bad. I have even written the first paragraph in my head..

I will tip you off on the good and bad news she got.
On a hot July day.. the 18th exactly someone looked at her and said. "Congratulations you have a healthy baby (good news part) GIRL (bad news part)!"

I will not be doing it on my blog. It will be in a book/slash journal format. To no one in particular but mainly written by me for my kids to read when I am gone. So they will know ME. Not Mama.. but me. (I am thinking now I will come back here tomorrow and copy this entire post and use it for my blog post) I think I will bare it all for them.. the fact that I loved my husband for 17 years but was too stupid or stuborn to return here and fight or even stand for what I wanted in my life. I think they should know how bad I really was.. but they should also know that I am a real person too with feelings and emotions. I think they should know the way it felt in my heart the day I walked away from two of them or how my life was in shambles at the age of 18..

I still think that I will hide it all in a safety deposit box for them to read only when I am dead. I think I will leave explicit instructions that the words are for them only and that the only time they can share my words is to their children when they die with more instructions that they are only to be handed down to the next generation of children after dying. I think maybe after 10 generations that the paper will have turned to dust kinda like me... and no one will care anymore but what matters is that my kids knew me.

I don't know my mother. I wish sometimes I did. I doubt I ever will.. she doesn't have the guts to bare it all. I guess I don't either not until I am gone.

My post just turned into a complete blog post...

Cutting and pasting here.

I may have a hard time getting my words on paper because I will have to hide and sneak. I know that sounds horrible and rude but I really don’t want anyone to read these words right now. Not until I can face them myself. I will have to find the perfect spot to hide my journal and find the perfect time to write. I think they are musts in order for me to put me on paper. I know there will be moments of sheer laughter.. Like the day that someone very very special to me shoved me OUT OF THE WAY and jumped in the truck right beside MY MAN. That was pay back for something.. I think I had accidentally done that to her (maybe on purpose) a day or two before. I am sure there will be moments of tears as I walk through losing loved ones that left too soon and some that lingered long after they wished they were gone. I am sure there will be panic as I face some of the times in my life that I have shoved into the darkest corners of my mind swearing they will never be dug out.

I know you are thinking that I should share my thoughts here. If I am bold enough to type this then I should be able to finish it.. Think about it this way.. Think of a grain of sand .. One grain. Now think of all the sand on the earth... Think of that one grain of sand in relation to all the sand on the earth.. There. You see.. That is what I just gave you. One grain of sand... Ok maybe 10.

Smooch

Learning the Difference...

Discouraged? No.. TIRED?? YES. Apparently what I needed was a break. A break from exercise and worry about how much I ate.. or in my case recently how little I ate.

Two days I took off.. two day in which I ate a half a slice of bread at a restaurant and GASP a muffin from Starbucks. Both were on a whim nibbling BUT I seriously had GREAT reason.. can you say NO POWER.. Wednesday night storms hit the DC area and I swear all but ONE restaurant closed. Thankfully the one open is one of my favorite places in the world to eat. Yes I said the world. However there was a small issue.. EVERYONE IN 100 MILE RADIUS had to come there for dinner. It was PACKED but lovely just the same.. so while waiting on my meal they brought the bread (which co workers said yes to.. not me) and it stared at me.. with HUGE EYES!! I stared right back and I could feel the bread winning the staring contest so before I blinked or looked away I stared at it.. SCREAMED HA!!!! right into it's huge eyes and squashed the whole half a piece right in my mouth! (oh fyi for those of you who want me to be working on the fat issue.. I put butter on it first.. aren't you proud) So you see.. i was starving.. literally. The yogurt I had for breakfast was LONG gone and the beef onion and peppers for lunch which was about MAYBE 3/4 a cup worth was way way gone.. the bread it kept me from eating off of my neighbors plate which I honestly thought about. (Brother in law had some awesome looking pasta stuff and his friend had what appeared to be a fish with pecans on top and her husband OMG the steak that man had) But the half a piece of bread held me over.

Now on to that muffin. When I got up yesterday STILL NO POWER. Which meant NO COFFEE before leaving the house and attempting to get ready via flashlight. It was not a pretty sight.. what wasn't pretty you ask? ME I WAS A WRECK. I think it had more to do with the no coffee than it did the power. I mean it was daylight after all. So I get in the car HOPING that someone at the office has had mercy on those of us less fortunate people who have no power and made extra coffee, when what to my eyes does appear.. a wonderful glow.. a shine sooo bright I thought that maybe THE JC may have made it back.. No not Johnny Cash.. but close. It was a brightly lit STARBUCKS sign. I drove over two medians and I think I might have bumped an old lady trying to get to that Starbucks but I made it. Signing the praises of the electric people who obviously needed the coffee after a long night of working so they lit her up. My nose carried me to the door where a rather long line awaited their morning crack in a cup but did I care no. I stood there like I imagine a H addict does and the methadone clinic.. nervously looking around.. biting my nails.. fiddling with my shirt. I mean come on they could run out at any second and I may not get my fix! But alas I made it to the front of the line to the register where my stomach went GROWL!!!!! and the nice lady behind the counter said.. "Oh dear you must be starving dear.. here have a Cranberry Orange Muffin, that will fix you right up!" And she shoved that muffin right in my mouth. I swear she did.. all of it.. and would not let me spit it out.. none of it.. she made me eat it.. forced me.. twisted my little finger and all. (and those of you work people who might read this... you did NOT see me at my desk with a muffin.. that wasn't a muffin it might have looked like I voluntarily brought a muffin into work and cried as I ate it at my desk due to pure delight but seriously that is NOT WHAT YOU SAW)

Speaking of Starbucks. I will be doing some pictures tomorrow. I have a present I need to show you .. I just need to figure out how to take the picture and have it look right. I love presents.

It is Friday. I have lost 35 lbs.. 35 lbs.. I am happy.. I am very happy.

Oh and there will be jeans stories tomorrow.. and maybe a story about a pair of pants that need to be given away.

SMOOCH YOU LOVELIES.. and the next time I say I am discouraged come right back here and tell me.. are you SURE????

Discouraged...

why is it soooo easy to get discouraged. I am down.. quite down. I have some crap going on.. with the kid.. but that doesn't have me down. My dang weight has me down. I am not losing the way I want to.. I have got to get over this and just keep going.. keep pedaling.. keep stepping.. it will work out.

smooch

100!!!

APPARENTLY this is the 100th post. 100. I didn't realize I had so much to say. Well technically today I don't.

I didn't take pictures this week. This is the first time in weeks I did not take pictures. So I will have my daughter take them when she gets home. I was busy enjoying the weekend. Sorry.

I honestly don't have that much to say today. Weekend was GREAT... spent one day at the beach one day at the pool. The kids are slightly pink this morning. I am just slightly more browned as Dude told me yesterday. The kid.. has his own name for things.. we have a time around here trying to figure out what he is talking about sometimes, but even if you tell him what the real name is .. it doesn't seem logical to him so he continues to use his own terminology. Which is ok at that point cause you have already spent the three hours to figure out what the hell he is talking about.

here are a few examples.

Dude:"Mom.. my foot is tired."
Me:Umm ok how do you KNOW your FOOT is tired?
Dude: "Cause it is tingling"
Me: No Dude.. it is asleep.. not tired
Dude:"Well I can't tell my foot is asleep but it feels TIRED"
Me:Umm ok.

Overheard during a thunder storm:
Dude: "Mom, if a thunder shock hits you can it kill you?"
Me: A what?"
Dude: " a thunder shock"
Me: Thunder is the noise you hear.. it can't hit you.
Dude.. "NOOOOO not the noise the shock part you see."
Me: "Oh lightening. Yes it can kill you."
Dude.. "Oh ok so you wouldn't want a thunder shock to hit you then."
Me.. SIGH.. yes you would NOT want a thunder shock to hit you.

One night watching TV this little heated discussion took place

Dude: Hand me a cupboard
Me: a what?
Dude: a cupboard
Me: (thinking I was hearing him incorrectly) A WHAT?
Dude: a CUPBOARD A CUPBOARD HAND ME A CUPBOARD
Me: (now knowing I heard correctly but still had no clue what he was talking about) Umm WHAT??? WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.
Dude: FORGET IT! I WILL GET IT MYSELF. (gets up from floor walks straight towards me leans over coffee table picks up object holds in it my face) A CUP BOARD!!!!!!
Me: (after seeing the object) OHHHH A COASTER
Dude: " A CUP BOARD.. A CUP BOARD.. (holds up his cup.. holds up the coaster, shows me his cup.. says.. CUP.. shows me the coaster (which is made of wood) says BOARD... puts cup on coaster) A CUP BOARD.
Me.. (with fingers in ears) LALALALLAAAAAALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

There are more.. many more.. but I have decided to forget them or I would end up talking like.. like.. like I am half crazy yet logical.

HAVE A GREAT DAY
smooch