Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hey there Ho there...

noooooo NOT me. Jeesh.. It is just a saying people.

So I have a question for you guys, just because I am at a stumbling block right now with this. "Are words ever meant to be trusted or does action have to take place prior to belief?"

I ask you this because over the past couple of years I have heard words repeated to me over and over in the forms of "It won't happen again." or "I am truly sorry" or "I love you" and there was no actions taken to show me that any of those words were true and that has left me with what appears to be the inability to trust or believe the words of anyone. What's that saying about one bad apple again?

You may walk up to me and say something as simple as "Your hair looks nice today." and I will spend the next hour in the bathroom trying to figure out what is wrong with it. Maybe you said "You are really funny" and my brain hears "Will you please just shut up you are making my ears bleed, you couldn't make a hyena laugh!" and lets not forget the "You are pretty." thing because quite honestly that is supposed to be followed up sometime shortly with "You are the nastiest thing around I don't know why you are alive." I suppose my biggest place of untrust (it isn't mistrust I haven't trusted to mis it yet LOL) is when people say "I will be here for you" I THOUGHT that was what "til death do us part" meant too, trust me when I say that isn't necessarily the case if you can manage to escape.

I hope that one day I can trust in words again, words are a beautiful thing, in the form of a book, a poem, a song, a story, a speech, and a simple 3 word phrase (not to mention blogs). Trust is something I always had when it came to words I believed in the passion and love and knowledge behind them, now I have had to face to darkness, the hatred, and the abuse behind them and much like a large rabid dog would rip apart a sweet fragile dove, my fragile belief in words has been shattered.

Some of you are probably reading this thinking to yourself well isn't she just a bitch for not believing I am here after all this time, after every time I told her to call, after every time I told her that I would always be here. I just want to say to you all I truly truly apologize, this is NOT the way I wanted to feel this is the road that life has taken me down at the moment and I am sure that there has to be a path to the road of trust again but at this moment I have not found it.

I at least pray there is a path back to trust because I really do not enjoy being this way, until then, I suppose I should be from the "Show Me State" or maybe "Eastern State" who's to say.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Welcome to hell where it all starts to come out...

Today is Wednesday which is another day closer to Friday which is another day closer a three day weekend which is 3 days I can actually sleep in but probably won't because by then my insomnia will be back and I will be wide awake at 4 am.

Most of you know I have moved, as in physically away from the little township I called "home" for more years of my life than I can remember. Bavon for me was where I felt I belonged where I felt I could breath, where I felt I could be me. I think part of that feeling had to do with being close to the water. I have always been close to the water when I lived here in Virginia within walking distance and for the last 5 years spitting distance. (yes I measure things in spitting distance sometimes.. doesn't everyone) Today I am much farther than spitting distance and walking would just prove to be a burden, because the closest water to me is flanked by private property and I am not sure the current owners would even begin to understand my draw.

I can always get in my car and drive to the beach or the water but some how that feeling is just not the same. Not being able to look out from my office window and see a tiny sliver of water is disheartening to me. I know it sounds like a tiny little thing in life but to me it is just much bigger. The water is yet one more thing that has been ripped away from me by no fault of my own, unless you consider love a fault. Which these days I consider it a curse so I can see how someone may feel it is a fault.

Someone close to me told me that through this process of grieving I would feel many feelings but the three main phases I will shift through as this process goes on are; sadness, anger and just plain "I don't give a damns". For the first week or more it was complete sadness, I thought over and over that I would never get to anger or the "I don't give a damns" but I am here to tell you they come, even when you think they won't. You could be sitting there minding your own business yakking away on Facebook making a fool of yourself and all of a sudden you are so angry that the only thing that you see is red. Over nothing... someone could have just posted how pleased they were that their spouse changed their drawers (by drawers I mean underwear people) and you could be so angry that you just want to tell them and their clean drawers clad spouse to take a flying leap. I don't think this anger has anything to do with the fact that someone has changed their skivves, but the fact that the other someone has someone in their life that they can be proud of. It has been too many days since I was able to say I was proud of my spouse.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a long twisty turny road on the way to happiness but the truth of the matter is it is happening. It is happening to me. It is not something I can actually hide as I am a typically in your face kind of person and while I do in a sense hide behind laughter and jokes the rest of this is right here at the surface all waiting to spill out. Just this week I received a text asking me why I had posted on Facebook that I had moved. At first I didn't really recall posting that specifically but I may have, then I was asked why I would put something so personal about THEM out there for the world to see. "Excuse me.. about YOU.. ABOUT YOU?? You are kidding me right... so this is still all about you.

I was the one that had to leave my home, I was the one that had to explain to the people closest to me the truth, I was the one that wakes up at night to traffic not frogs (not that I like frogs mind you but I dislike traffic more), I am the one that daily finds something I wish I had with me, from something as big as my baby dog (which by the way I wish you would stop using as a pawn) to as little as my cutting board because it is red and cute. Yet some how, you feel you are the victim in this scenario and I have no right to talk about how I feel, where I am or better yet WHY I am where I am. Guess what buddy.. I woke up angry so SCREW YOU."

Today I came back here, to this blog after posting yesterday for the first time in months wondering if I existed.. wondering if my thoughts were still alive.. wondering if my life needed telling.. I have mulled that over since and I have decided there may be many things I may lose in the situation as it stands today, my water, my home, my dog, even my cute little red cutting board but the most important thing I won't allow him to take is ME, and part of me is this part of my life and I won't apologize for that to anyone.

So for now.. I am back.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Do I even exist?

I am trying to figure out if I even exist here anymore.
I used to have this funny little witty side to me..
I have lost that.

I need to find that in order to keep this blog alive cause really who wants to read about sadness, upheaval, chaos, and drama all day every day.. hell I don't even want to write about it.

Miss you all much.