noooooo NOT me. Jeesh.. It is just a saying people.
So I have a question for you guys, just because I am at a stumbling block right now with this. "Are words ever meant to be trusted or does action have to take place prior to belief?"
I ask you this because over the past couple of years I have heard words repeated to me over and over in the forms of "It won't happen again." or "I am truly sorry" or "I love you" and there was no actions taken to show me that any of those words were true and that has left me with what appears to be the inability to trust or believe the words of anyone. What's that saying about one bad apple again?
You may walk up to me and say something as simple as "Your hair looks nice today." and I will spend the next hour in the bathroom trying to figure out what is wrong with it. Maybe you said "You are really funny" and my brain hears "Will you please just shut up you are making my ears bleed, you couldn't make a hyena laugh!" and lets not forget the "You are pretty." thing because quite honestly that is supposed to be followed up sometime shortly with "You are the nastiest thing around I don't know why you are alive." I suppose my biggest place of untrust (it isn't mistrust I haven't trusted to mis it yet LOL) is when people say "I will be here for you" I THOUGHT that was what "til death do us part" meant too, trust me when I say that isn't necessarily the case if you can manage to escape.
I hope that one day I can trust in words again, words are a beautiful thing, in the form of a book, a poem, a song, a story, a speech, and a simple 3 word phrase (not to mention blogs). Trust is something I always had when it came to words I believed in the passion and love and knowledge behind them, now I have had to face to darkness, the hatred, and the abuse behind them and much like a large rabid dog would rip apart a sweet fragile dove, my fragile belief in words has been shattered.
Some of you are probably reading this thinking to yourself well isn't she just a bitch for not believing I am here after all this time, after every time I told her to call, after every time I told her that I would always be here. I just want to say to you all I truly truly apologize, this is NOT the way I wanted to feel this is the road that life has taken me down at the moment and I am sure that there has to be a path to the road of trust again but at this moment I have not found it.
I at least pray there is a path back to trust because I really do not enjoy being this way, until then, I suppose I should be from the "Show Me State" or maybe "Eastern State" who's to say.
in the garden
14 hours ago