Have you ever heard the saying End of Days? Surely you have, I have felt that way about my true "words" for some time now, like I just got to the end of them and there were no more. It was very much like getting to the end of the rainbow and finding no pot of gold.
I thought after "the ordeal" was over that life as I knew it would get back to normal and the words would be there in over abundant stock. This is where I have to tell you that I was wrong, very very wrong. Firstly, and mainly, because "the ordeal" is not over nor will it ever be over in a sense that it no longer has an impact on my life because it was a huge part of my world and it played a role in making me who I am today. For awhile now I have allowed "the ordeal" to almost completely define who I am, even when that is not the case. It has taken me almost 2 years not to be prisoner to "the ordeal" any longer and by breaking the binds that held me for so long now I almost feel as if I was part of some mass covert operation to FREE THE WORDS!!! (Yes I just saw picketers with signs marching around my brain)
A beautiful friend once told me "once you get settled mentally there, it will flow just like the tide" she was right. As I walked the beach this past week (and fell victim to my wandering brain and rogue large waves) words started flying at me.. at first they were ARRGGGHH! COLD! WET! IDIOT! but then they calmed down a bit and the frighten shrieks of the hidden voice in my head calmed to a whisper and the words flowed more like the tide and less like a tsunami.
So as the words come I will let them flow here where you have the joy (aka excruciating pain) of reading them but if you come by just to look at the pretty pictures you can try here Gone Coastal... One Shot at a Time. While there will be a photo on all my posts it is more about the words here and me being me and it is more about the photos there and what I see. I was going to mix the two but lets face it some people just don't care about my words much.
On that note.. MUCHO LOVE TO ALL OF YOU who do care about my words and endured the pain of reading every last word today and who have been waiting patiently for me and my words to return to my new normal.
or maybe proof I do not deserve the title of photographer!
Ok so "you ain't gonna believe this shit...." this morning I set my alarm extra early on the first day of my vacation so that I could go capture the sunrise. I am typically an early riser to begin with so not much of a big deal getting the shots most of the time, however, this is a special vacation so there is a chance I will be sleeping until noon the rest of the time. By special vacation I mean the first REAL vacation I have taken in ... well ever... with no children, no parents, no agenda, no plan (unless of course you consider getting up at 5 am to take pictures a plan). The motto for this little trip of mine is "Arrive Thursday, Leave Sunday" which has absolutely nothing to do with the real days of arrival and departure but everything to do with arriving and leaving being the only plan there is and really those are subject to change.
The alarm clock goes off this morning, which is the sound of waves now thanks to CBWs alarm clock and my inventive mind to record it to my phone. You, however, would not believe how confusing it is to someone on the ocean that can hear waves outside the window to all of a sudden hear waves in side the window, I am considering changing it for the duration of my stay to something more suitable, like nothing. I am up and grab my camera off the table and my phone because I do enjoy sending Good Morning photos via text sometimes and out the door I go!
The sky is beautiful, pinks and oranges glowing, as I make my way closer to the beach the waves get louder and I am full of anticipation of that first look over the dunes, that first perfect shot. Apparently I have more anticipation than I do common sense because as I lifted the camera to take that last shot right before you crest the dune my camera reads.. E. E FOR ERROR! WTH?????? You ain't gonna believe this shit but I left the damn memory card in my computer!!!!!
(or is it udder?) dismay the very first "You ain't going to believe this shit... " story is UNBLOGGABLE! The madness that ensued last night is beyond words actually, however, it would probably make a good in person story, sorta like the Madd Dogg 20/20 story but different. If you need to understand how completely unbloggable the story is, please see the title of this post and the fact that I am not sure which to use, "udder" or "utter".
My trip down was pretty unevent..... WAIT! STOP THE PRESSES! I do have an "You ain't going to believe this shit..." story I can throw at you.
You ain't going to believe this shit but, in my travels yesterday there was involvement of cheap clothes, wine, a hula hoop purchase, and a pit stop to take tractor pictures and that isn't even the cool part! I was more than what you would call excited about arriving at my destination and spending much needed Sisper time, well, with my Sisper. My mind was on the prize HOME TO MY SISPER, ok ok, my sisper and an ice cold Smirrinoff but that is beside the point.
I was flying down 168 on my broom in the Acura and making some really good time when upon the Washington Wright Memorial Bridge I do descend. The sky was beautiful with an amazing sunset that I could not stop and capture due to being on the bridge but that, again, is beside the point... thump thump thump over the bridge I go (you know that sound your car makes on a bridge right?) then up the big hill on the bridge and WAM!!!! there they are.. HUNDREDS... THOUSANDS... BUNCHES.. of bats flying out from under the bridge! BATS! Have I mentioned I LOVE BATS!!!!!!
I didn't hit any bats because bats aren't something you easily hit. I did, however, want bring the broom Acura to a screeching halt right there and get a shot or 346 of the bats with this amazing sunset! I glanced behind me and it just wasn't going to happen. sigh.
Ok so not the best "You ain't going to believe this shit..." story but it is going to have to do!
So today you are stuck with an OBX sunrise and a tractor.
Update: Here is another photo of last nights happenings that was found after the original blog post.. does this say anything????
Ok that should about do it... all cleaned out and off, ready for a fun filled stay in OBX. Photos and stories to ensue shortly with many a post probably starting with: "You ain't gonna believe this shit...."
I know that some of you saw these on Facebook and wondered what in the world is all that about.. well I am here on the blog to tell you, not that it was any big secret because I think most women have this issue but I hate the way I look in photos. (ok that is a fib I just typically hate the way I look in general but for the sake of keeping this short we will just say in photos ok??)
I have been working on trying to stay in a more positive mind set recently (four days really but who's counting) and while it is hard work I am determined to see this through and wake up in the morning with a positive thought and go to sleep with a positive thought, and have the other thoughts in between positive as well. I am sure I will miss the "I am going to spork your eyeball out if you don't shut up!" thoughts from time to time but for right now I am packing them in a trunk and moving on to warm puppies and rainbows.
So here is where the project came in, I realized that one of the things I am most negative about is ME. I actually had THREE people in two days ask me why I was so hard on myself. I didn't even realize I had been that negative about my thoughts of myself, but apparently I have been, according to Facebook. I couldn't think of anything specific I had said and while I asked them to point it out they really couldn't find a post (I mean there are thousands ya know) but I figured with three separate people saying it, that were not connected, there must be some truth in it.
On Monday I was feeling a bit more like the old me than has been the norm for months so I hopped in my car and went to Haven Beach to take some photos of ghosts whatever caught my eye, when nothing seemed quite right for photo taking, I did the unthinkable, I turned the camera around backwards and took nothing but photos of me. I called it the "Self Portrait Project" for lack of a better title and decided I was going to process them and post some on Facebook regardless of how I felt about them. The longer they have stayed up the better I have felt, not because of the comments (which were great by the way) but just because I was seeing me in a bit of a different like (aside from the fact that I have realized I have freaky ass blue eyes that I never noticed until I removed all color except from my eyes in a photo) but I feel like that little project in it self has helped me, I can't promise I won't run from a camera pointed at me anymore but I am going to try to be a little less camera shy and not so critical of myself.
The way I figure it, in order for other people to love me the way I want and need them too, I need to also, it is not fair to ask them to do something I don't really do myself. Ya know?
First let me back track and say that a certain sweet young lady contacted me directly yesterday about where my blog had been. I had to explain that it fell into the large dark hole I like to call life and that I just did not emotionally have it in me to write squat. Unfortunately at a very young age she already knew what I was saying and understood completely, however, it sparked something in me and I thought to myself "Really?? Why is it when you blog you focus on the yucky? Why when you write does it come out depressing? There are still amazing things happening around you all the time yet you tend to focus on the tragedy that has been the last year." I answered myself because that is what I do.. I said.. "I dunno." Yes I still wonder daily why that is my children's only answer to anything, knowing full well they get that from me.
So here I am again, asking your forgiveness for a too long break, for not being able to oversee... wait a damn minute this is my damn blog .. if you don't like the fact I took another long break click the X!
So right around the time that the conversation surrounding my blog was going on something happened.. I got an email from CBW who I have a bizarre connection with that none of the adults in our lives (I say adults because they were adults when we were born) will neither confirm nor deny is biological. I always find emails from her an extra special treat but in this one she actually asked me to work. (Like I really need something else to do besides wallow in my own stinky self pity).
The email started like this.. Hey stupid get out of that pool of pity and do something for me... Ok Ok no it really didn't but it probably should have.
The email actually said.. "Hey help me out here will ya?" in so many words :)
So I scanned down the email which was from a lovely yet slightly confused gentleman in Seattle named Mark. It was a long email and I was in the middle of wallowing so I just skimmed it at first I picked out words like Mathews, brothers, Hudgins, photo, lighthouse, trash, Guniea, and fish. I figured by those that some how this dude was connected to Mathews in some way and had a photo of Hudgins brothers that he took on top of the lighthouse as they were collecting trash that the fish from Guinea left there.
What?? I said I was busy when I was reading it. I figured I would take a glance at the photo and then archive it for when my Daddy was close by (that is CBWs boyfriend by the way) and ask who the dudes were. I scrolled down the email and glanced at the thumbnail and my heart skipped a beat.. then another.. and as I opened the photo to full size I let out an audible *GASP*. This wasn't any old ordinary set of "Hudgins" brothers I was looking at!
I immediately let my fingers fly over the keyboard with a reply back to CBW which in turned stopped her heart for a beat or two or 50 cause it took me that long to actually call her after getting the email that said.. ARE YOU F'ING (insert whole word here) KIDDING ME??? IS THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE??? WHERE CAN I CALL YOU??? Yes that is exactly what the email said.. to the letter and looking back on it, it does read more like I am going to choke her out of anger than it was simply shock but shock it was. So I finally call the poor trembling CBW and screamed into the phone IS THIS A JOKE??? I think she squeaked I am not all together sure at that point cause I just kept rambling on.
Below is the photo that was attached to that email and I won't go into the rest of the conversation with CBW because it was slightly uneventful after that build up (it was filled with lots of NOO! NOOO! REALLY?? NO!!! WOW's) but let me just end by saying that she hung up with relief and her heart beating again.
I am going to include most of my email back to Seattle Mark so you have full understand of why the shock and why I called him a little confused and why I keep referring to the men as "Hudgins" in quotes like that is a bad thing (it isn't.. he was just wrong).
Anyway Janice looking for a little help forwarded me the photo of the "Hudgins" brothers for help in identity. First let me say.. Last name isn't Hudgins.. it was Burroughs and while my name is now Ann Marie Haywood it WAS Ann Marie Burroughs. That photo was taken on Davis Creek in Bavon (or Motorun depending how old the map is) at Morris Snows Dock (his boat was the Linda Carol) the boat in the photo is more than likely the Virginia considering the amount of junk in her. The house in the background now belongs too Bill Battle and he has bees.. lots of bees.. he is the local honey man.
The very handsome gentleman to your right there.. I called Pop until the day he died on July 5th 2005, my daddy called him Daddy, his given name was Lemual Winn Burroughs (which was recycled by my great grandparents as they had another son who died at a young age with the same name) but everyone called him Snooks.
The other handsome friendly looking fella is my Uncle Bill, he was Pop's brother and technically my great uncle but calling someone Great Uncle around these parts just is not done. So he was uncle Bill. I still have the silver quarters he and another brother (Bubba Duck don't ask... I couldn't tell ya) gave me as a child on that very dock. When I would go down to help sort the fish pay was a drink from the drink machine.. the old kind where you pulled the bottle straight out and it had the bottle top opener on it, you were given 2 quarters one silver one regular one for the machine one to take home. Good thing they had the key to that little box cause more than once a mix up happened.
So there ya have it.. Burroughs Brothers not Hudgins and they were pound net fisherman.. along with my Great Granfather Henry Owens (not Pops daddy.. my grandmothers) They ran Burroughs Brothers Seafood.
And now you all know why I cussed and scared poor CBW to with in an inch of her life and that I ramble on in email as badly as I do my blog and that yesterday while getting a shock I got a very special secret treasure!!!!
noooooo NOT me. Jeesh.. It is just a saying people.
So I have a question for you guys, just because I am at a stumbling block right now with this. "Are words ever meant to be trusted or does action have to take place prior to belief?"
I ask you this because over the past couple of years I have heard words repeated to me over and over in the forms of "It won't happen again." or "I am truly sorry" or "I love you" and there was no actions taken to show me that any of those words were true and that has left me with what appears to be the inability to trust or believe the words of anyone. What's that saying about one bad apple again?
You may walk up to me and say something as simple as "Your hair looks nice today." and I will spend the next hour in the bathroom trying to figure out what is wrong with it. Maybe you said "You are really funny" and my brain hears "Will you please just shut up you are making my ears bleed, you couldn't make a hyena laugh!" and lets not forget the "You are pretty." thing because quite honestly that is supposed to be followed up sometime shortly with "You are the nastiest thing around I don't know why you are alive." I suppose my biggest place of untrust (it isn't mistrust I haven't trusted to mis it yet LOL) is when people say "I will be here for you" I THOUGHT that was what "til death do us part" meant too, trust me when I say that isn't necessarily the case if you can manage to escape.
I hope that one day I can trust in words again, words are a beautiful thing, in the form of a book, a poem, a song, a story, a speech, and a simple 3 word phrase (not to mention blogs). Trust is something I always had when it came to words I believed in the passion and love and knowledge behind them, now I have had to face to darkness, the hatred, and the abuse behind them and much like a large rabid dog would rip apart a sweet fragile dove, my fragile belief in words has been shattered.
Some of you are probably reading this thinking to yourself well isn't she just a bitch for not believing I am here after all this time, after every time I told her to call, after every time I told her that I would always be here. I just want to say to you all I truly truly apologize, this is NOT the way I wanted to feel this is the road that life has taken me down at the moment and I am sure that there has to be a path to the road of trust again but at this moment I have not found it.
I at least pray there is a path back to trust because I really do not enjoy being this way, until then, I suppose I should be from the "Show Me State" or maybe "Eastern State" who's to say.