Wednesday, June 23, 2010

There is something compelling me ...

to sit down here today and type words, for a few months now words have been incredibly jumbled up inside of my head, screaming to get out yet fighting to stay in.

I won't go into the roller coaster ride of where my life has been lately because for one thing it just is not worth rehashing and in the end the ride just continues anyway until we get off at that final platform with the pearly gates and cute dude known as SPete with sunglasses and his summer tan from working at the amusement park says... "Welcome to Heaven.. I hope you have enjoyed your ride." On a personal front regarding this ride I hope to come into the platform with my hands in the air, hair a wind blown mess, with a huge smile on my face it is just that lately it wouldn't end that way, but there is always hope.

Today the Canned Turtle and I embark on a road trip of sorts to visit GMU for his college orientation, while normally I would be looking forward to the trip with great pleasure and planning the fun things he and I could get into, there is but one little hurdle in our way.. my mother. While it has been told to me that she is great fun if you take orders extremely well and stick to the plan, she is not such great fun when you are dealing with well.. me.

You know how sometimes mothers and daughters are referred to as "two peas in a pod" or the saying "like mother like daughter" or "they came from the same mold"? Well NONE of that applies here. It is more like "different as night and day" or "Ruthie... did you find that child in a Gypsy camp?" which is starting to become my best guess. Now please do not get me wrong, I love the woman, she is my mother and has been there for my kids and my sister person and my friends and my niece and her sisters and her brother and my brother the list goes on and on and on; the only problem with all of this is there is ALWAYS A PLAN or an AGENDA or a TIME LINE... please see above where I believe I was stolen from a Gypsy camp.. I don't do any of these things well!

I am sure you are sitting here reading this going.. "Why am I reading this again?""Seriously this is what her first post back is about the fact that she is a serious flight risk in her own head and simply a free spirit that can't help herself??? UMM HELLO I KNEW THAT." and for that I am sorry but those are the words that needed to get out of my head this morning before I drive up New Point Comfort Highway those last few miles before stopping to retrieve the Plan Nazi my mother so that an hour into our trip I won't be on the side of the road screaming "GET OUT.. GET OUT OF MY CAR NOW.. WALK YOU PLANNER YOU." My goal (yes I can do goals) is to make it all the way to NoVA without screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP JUST F'ING SHUT UP.. hey I can dream can't I?

And for those who would like to be in the know of my every move please see the following schedule that I received in my email this morning:
3 pm leave your house
3:15 pm drop off Waterboy
3:30 pm pick me and Dustin up
3:31 pm everyone go to the potty one last time
3:50 pm drop off Deanna
3:55 pm try to go to the potty one more time
4:00 pm turn out of drive way
4:05 pm realize I have to potty now and stop at Get N Zip
4:10 pm I will ask you to turn down the radio
4:10:01 pm you give me that evil look you have
4:12 pm I turn down your radio anyway
4:12:01 pm you turn your radio back up and i will sigh that sigh you hate
4:15 pm I will start to sing in my too high pitched voice and you will turn the radio off
4:15:01 pm I will grin cause I win
4:30 pm it is too quiet in the car so I tell you and the canned turtle to remove the i thingys from your ears so we can "talk" a sigh will be heard in China as you and the canned turtle remove the i thingys
4:36 pm mid sentence I squeal because there is a car 300 ft ahead of you that turned on a turn signal
4:36:01 you slam on brakes because you think you are getting ready to hit a deer or something screaming WHAT WHAT.. WHAT THE FUCK.. WHAT..
4:36:02 I say you drive like a crazy person and why are you screaming
4:36:03 pm you start tail gating the car in front of you and I hold on to the dash board
4:37 pm I ask Dustin a stupid question that will make you both roll your eyes
4:37:01 pm I will sit here and sulk until one of you speaks to me again
4:39 pm I can't take the silence anymore and ask you a stupid question
4:39:01 more eye rolling and return of the i thingys
4:39:02 pm I will try to talk to you with those things in your ears an I know you must hear me cause you keep nodding
5:00pm I ask you to stop because I have to pee again
5:00:01 you hand me a to go cup
5:00:02 pm I say nooooo i need to stop I don't need a drink
5:00:03 pm you point at cup
5:01 pm your phone goes off and you read a text message while I scream at you about how you are going to kill us all.
5:01:10 pm I gasp audibly as you REPLY
5:05 pm I reach in my purse and pull out printed itinerary and point out that we are 2 minutes ahead of schedule and that you need to slow down but you have also missed the 5:00 pm rest stop and insist that I put that on there because I knew I would need to potty at that very moment and fuss at you for messing up my body clock.
5:05:01 pm you floor board the car and again toss the cup at me
5:05:02 pm I sit here and pout
5:10 pm we are now THREE WHOLE MINUTES ahead of schedule I pull out printed itinerary point this out to you
5:10:01 pm you snatch paper out of my hand and blow your nose on it and toss it out the window
5:10:02 pm lights flash and sirens sound
5:10:03 pm I say I knew it I knew it could not get an hour from home and the cops are after you...
5:11 pm cop comes to the window with crumpled snotty itinerary in hand and kindly says Miss you lost your Printed itinerary
5:11:01 pm I thank the officer and reveal to him that it is ok because I have ten copies
5:11:02 pm Cop says well you can never be to careful by the way you are ahead 2 minutes it is a good thing I stopped you.
5:13 pm we leave again as the cop says that it is now time to pull out to stay on schedule
5:14 pm you drive on but for some reason your knuckles are white as you grip the steering wheel.
5:15-6pm you refuse to respond to anything I say including I REALLY HAVE TO GO you simply throw a depends at me you have stashed under your seat
6 pm I point out that it is now time to stop and eat and we are in Fredericksburg as planned there has to be somewhere around here that we can stop and I turn to ensure that the Canned Turtle is still alive he is he has i thingys in and his eyes closed no wonder he has not screamed or gasped at your driving.
6:05 pm you don't stop where I tell you to even though there is a perfectly nice K and W cafeteria right there where we can stay on schedule and not have to wait on our order. I even called ahead to make sure they would have prunes on the bar.
6:15 pm you pull into some local dive that has a neon sign flashing
6:15:01 pm I start protesting that I will not step foot in that sort of establishment you and the canned turtle look at each other shrug and walk in
6:15:02 pm I start calling your cell phone
6:15:03 when I call back it goes straight to voicemail
7 pm you and the canned turtle return and toss a greasy bag at me and a roll of toilet paper
7:01 pm I inform you that you are desperately OFF SCHEDULE and before I know what to do...
you make a gag out of the printed itinerary duck tape my mouth shut!

What can I say.. we may be as different as night and day but the woman knows me.


  1. LMAO! I don't think I can improve on what MPM said.

  2. My mom was headed in that directon, but she got remarried and now she's Mrs Laid Back! It's crazy, I tell ya!

    Deep, cleansing breaths, sistah. You can do it.

  3. Awwwww honey! LOL Y'all just know how to push each other's buttons pretty darn good, don't ya? Well, a road trip only lasts so long, so keep that goal in sight!

  4. Take a deep breath, Sweetie. You're so lucky to have a mom that drives you crazy!

  5. I am not laughing .. anymore.. now I am crying because I was laughing so hard I might have wet myself

  6. Yeah .. what Daryl said... lol

  7. Too funny. If that wasn't cathartic for YOU it was for ME, so thank you. And this comment took 13 wholes seconds longer than THE PLAN.

  8. Planning makes me nervous. Having more than one thing that I have to do on a given day makes me sweat. You can't plan everything, and some of the best times in life are when things don't go according to plan.

    It is for these and many other reasons that no official work has been done on Blog Fest. But don't tell anyone.

    Good luck with the trip. If the duct tape doesn't work, try slipping her a couple of Benadryl - they'll make her sleepy.

  9. This was so damn funny I had to re read it again today!!!! Its my mom to a T but we already knew they were cut from the same cloth!!!

  10. So, are you saying that there is something wrong with having an itinerary? BTW - CBW wasn't telling the whole truth. I have a Blog Fest folder...;)

    Great chatting with you on 17 yesterday!!

  11. I am your mother! And I have seen the blogfest folder! Smooches at 9:15 =)