Self Portrait Project

I know that some of you saw these on Facebook and wondered what in the world is all that about.. well I am here on the blog to tell you, not that it was any big secret because I think most women have this issue but I hate the way I look in photos. (ok that is a fib I just typically hate the way I look in general but for the sake of keeping this short we will just say in photos ok??)

I have been working on trying to stay in a more positive mind set recently (four days really but who's counting) and while it is hard work I am determined to see this through and wake up in the morning with a positive thought and go to sleep with a positive thought, and have the other thoughts in between positive as well. I am sure I will miss the "I am going to spork your eyeball out if you don't shut up!" thoughts from time to time but for right now I am packing them in a trunk and moving on to warm puppies and rainbows.

So here is where the project came in, I realized that one of the things I am most negative about is ME. I actually had THREE people in two days ask me why I was so hard on myself. I didn't even realize I had been that negative about my thoughts of myself, but apparently I have been, according to Facebook. I couldn't think of anything specific I had said and while I asked them to point it out they really couldn't find a post (I mean there are thousands ya know) but I figured with three separate people saying it, that were not connected, there must be some truth in it.

On Monday I was feeling a bit more like the old me than has been the norm for months so I hopped in my car and went to Haven Beach to take some photos of ghosts whatever caught my eye, when nothing seemed quite right for photo taking, I did the unthinkable, I turned the camera around backwards and took nothing but photos of me. I called it the "Self Portrait Project" for lack of a better title and decided I was going to process them and post some on Facebook regardless of how I felt about them. The longer they have stayed up the better I have felt, not because of the comments (which were great by the way) but just because I was seeing me in a bit of a different like (aside from the fact that I have realized I have freaky ass blue eyes that I never noticed until I removed all color except from my eyes in a photo) but I feel like that little project in it self has helped me, I can't promise I won't run from a camera pointed at me anymore but I am going to try to be a little less camera shy and not so critical of myself.

The way I figure it, in order for other people to love me the way I want and need them too, I need to also, it is not fair to ask them to do something I don't really do myself. Ya know?

Anyway without further ado, the photos.

Weird things just happen to us...

First let me back track and say that a certain sweet young lady contacted me directly yesterday about where my blog had been. I had to explain that it fell into the large dark hole I like to call life and that I just did not emotionally have it in me to write squat. Unfortunately at a very young age she already knew what I was saying and understood completely, however, it sparked something in me and I thought to myself "Really?? Why is it when you blog you focus on the yucky? Why when you write does it come out depressing? There are still amazing things happening around you all the time yet you tend to focus on the tragedy that has been the last year." I answered myself because that is what I do.. I said.. "I dunno." Yes I still wonder daily why that is my children's only answer to anything, knowing full well they get that from me.

So here I am again, asking your forgiveness for a too long break, for not being able to oversee... wait a damn minute this is my damn blog .. if you don't like the fact I took another long break click the X!

So right around the time that the conversation surrounding my blog was going on something happened.. I got an email from CBW who I have a bizarre connection with that none of the adults in our lives (I say adults because they were adults when we were born) will neither confirm nor deny is biological. I always find emails from her an extra special treat but in this one she actually asked me to work. (Like I really need something else to do besides wallow in my own stinky self pity).

The email started like this..
Hey stupid get out of that pool of pity and do something for me... Ok Ok no it really didn't but it probably should have.

The email actually said..
"Hey help me out here will ya?" in so many words :)

So I scanned down the email which was from a lovely yet slightly confused gentleman in Seattle named Mark. It was a long email and I was in the middle of wallowing so I just skimmed it at first I picked out words like Mathews, brothers, Hudgins, photo, lighthouse, trash, Guniea, and fish. I figured by those that some how this dude was connected to Mathews in some way and had a photo of Hudgins brothers that he took on top of the lighthouse as they were collecting trash that the fish from Guinea left there.

What?? I said I was busy when I was reading it. I figured I would take a glance at the photo and then archive it for when my Daddy was close by (that is CBWs boyfriend by the way) and ask who the dudes were. I scrolled down the email and glanced at the thumbnail and my heart skipped a beat.. then another.. and as I opened the photo to full size I let out an audible *GASP*. This wasn't any old ordinary set of "Hudgins" brothers I was looking at!

I immediately let my fingers fly over the keyboard with a reply back to CBW which in turned stopped her heart for a beat or two or 50 cause it took me that long to actually call her after getting the email that said..
ARE YOU F'ING (insert whole word here) KIDDING ME??? IS THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE??? WHERE CAN I CALL YOU???
Yes that is exactly what the email said.. to the letter and looking back on it, it does read more like I am going to choke her out of anger than it was simply shock but shock it was. So I finally call the poor trembling CBW and screamed into the phone IS THIS A JOKE??? I think she squeaked I am not all together sure at that point cause I just kept rambling on.

Below is the photo that was attached to that email and I won't go into the rest of the conversation with CBW because it was slightly uneventful after that build up (it was filled with lots of NOO! NOOO! REALLY?? NO!!! WOW's) but let me just end by saying that she hung up with relief and her heart beating again.


I am going to include most of my email back to Seattle Mark so you have full understand of why the shock and why I called him a little confused and why I keep referring to the men as "Hudgins" in quotes like that is a bad thing (it isn't.. he was just wrong).

Anyway Janice looking for a little help forwarded me the photo of the "Hudgins" brothers for help in identity.
First let me say.. Last name isn't Hudgins.. it was Burroughs and while my name is now Ann Marie Haywood it WAS Ann Marie Burroughs.
That photo was taken on Davis Creek in Bavon (or Motorun depending how old the map is) at Morris Snows Dock (his boat was the Linda Carol) the boat in the photo is more than likely the Virginia considering the amount of junk in her. The house in the background now belongs too Bill Battle and he has bees.. lots of bees.. he is the local honey man.

The very handsome gentleman to your right there.. I called Pop until the day he died on July 5th 2005, my daddy called him Daddy, his given name was Lemual Winn Burroughs (which was recycled by my great grandparents as they had another son who died at a young age with the same name) but everyone called him Snooks.

The other handsome friendly looking fella is my Uncle Bill, he was Pop's brother and technically my great uncle but calling someone Great Uncle around these parts just is not done. So he was uncle Bill. I still have the silver quarters he and another brother (Bubba Duck don't ask... I couldn't tell ya) gave me as a child on that very dock. When I would go down to help sort the fish pay was a drink from the drink machine.. the old kind where you pulled the bottle straight out and it had the bottle top opener on it, you were given 2 quarters one silver one regular one for the machine one to take home. Good thing they had the key to that little box cause more than once a mix up happened.

So there ya have it.. Burroughs Brothers not Hudgins and they were pound net fisherman.. along with my Great Granfather Henry Owens (not Pops daddy.. my grandmothers)
They ran Burroughs Brothers Seafood.

And now you all know why I cussed and scared poor CBW to with in an inch of her life and that I ramble on in email as badly as I do my blog and that yesterday while getting a shock I got a very special secret treasure!!!!

Happy Friday!!
Re