Wanna play guess which baby??

After you decide which one we are leaning towards.. tell me if you think she is a boy or a girl.. just curious what you think they look like.

I know I haven't been around.. Sorry. Just going through .. stuff.

Enjoy the guessing.. and let me just tell you that things aren't always as they seem.

smooch

How is this for happy!!!

I came home tonight to my husband telling me that we are having a baby! And that was final.
Granted my baby will have four legs.

Don't get me wrong in no way does that take away my hurt of losing my Binky Boo but it does give me hope.

Not only are we having a baby we are getting Binky's sister. Same parents.

I thought this would make you all smile a little.

Tragedy

I know I have been missing in action for that I am sorry. I haven't had the heart to blog ... honestly I do not know how to put into words what is going on in my world. So I am going to do the best I can and please forgive me if it is too graphic or offensive.

We lost our little angel "Binky Boo" this weekend. I would post you a picture but I can't do that without breaking into tears yet again. My eyes already look like they have gone 10 rounds with Ali, and I wouldn't think there could anymore tears left in me, but I continue to surprise myself by breaking out at any given time. Like right now.

I went to Busch Gardens with my kids Saturday and came home to Binky barely breathing and whimpering with every breath she tried to make. I had talked to the waterman on the way home and he had told me she jumped off the dock and he had to jump in and save her, but he didn't prepare me for what I was about to see. He was in denial, complete total denial. I can understand, and do not blame him in any way. It was a freak accident and no one's fault. I suppose I was a little more together than he was as he was the one with her and wanted her to be ok. I called my vet, who was closed and directed me to the on call dr. I call him, imagine my surprise to find a message "I am sorry we are at church for the evening, if you have an emergency call so and so." Well so and so was over an hour away, my mother tried other vets in our area but no one was available. I am sorry but if you are going to be on call for emergencies I am sure that your god wouldn't mind if you took and emergency call during a Saturday evening service to save someone's loved one. Apparently Dr AssWipe didn't agree with me.

I threw my youngest son in the car and had him hold Binky as I was driving like a mad woman, not to mention crying like one. We didnt' make it one mile from home before she stopped breathing and her eyes rolled back. I screamed and grabbed her, apparently that was enough to shock her back into breathing. I dropped my son off and picked up my daughter, I needed some one with me that could help me, Drake is a great kid, but with him screaming and crying as much as me just wasn't helping me at the moment. I needed someone with me that would keep talking to Binky.. keep her alert.

I had so much hope when I got to that doctors office. I just knew that Binky was going to be ok. They were going to fix her. They had too.. she was Binky! The doctor came out and asked me how long she had been in the water, I had no clue, they asked me if she had hit her head, I had no clue. I wasn't there. The most I could get out of the husband when I got home was that she was in the water on her side and he lost his boots. I still do not know for sure what happened to my Binky. I am sure I will never really know. Later in the night the waterman said she ran up on the dock and just never stopped and fell over, he dove in after her but she never tried to swim.

The vets gave her medicine to get the water out of her lungs but it just was too little too late. The lack of oxygen to her brain for hours had already caused damage. The first thing we noticed was that she couldn't see me, then her hearing went. It progressively got worse. For hours I sat with her begging her to fight to try for mama. And she did.. she tried so hard. She got her tempurature back up (after the vet had tried for about 2 hours with a heating blanket with very little luck) and her oxygen level went up as long as I talked to her but she didn't have enough strength left to keep fighting. Then peice by peice she just shut down.

I have never in my life gone through anything so traumatic. To hold her, Binky, and watch her slip away is more than my heart can even begin to bear. I have cried, I have screamed, I have wanted to just sit down and quit, I have worked, I have cleaned, I have washed clothes, I have tried to carry on as normal. I can't. I really can't. Every where I look I see her. She brought us so much joy and happiness and now there is this big hole and I just don't think we can fill it. The rift in this family is something I never imagined could happen but it has. I am sitting here alone, crying. I haven't been held and told it was going to be ok. I haven't been comforted. I know I am not the only one who lost her but is that really the point?

I came home in the wee hours Sunday morning and comforted my husband, and told him it would be ok, and it wasn't his fault and that I loved him, and I would be here for him. Is it too much to ask for that in return. He honestly hasn't talked to me all day. I can count on my hands the number of words he has said to me today. Maybe he doesn't know what to say, maybe he doesn't know how to say it, maybe .. I am so sick of maybe. All i know right now is I feel like I have lost every peice of happiness I had, the very thread that held me together. I have lost the thing I have looked all my life for.... unconditional love.

I love you Binky Boo.. I miss you.

A taste of fall!

Good Evening my lovely ladies!

I first have to say hi to a few people that have left comments that aren't my regular fans.

Hi there Lisa Carol and Katie!
Katie I know where you popped in from but Lisa Carol is a mind stumper since she asked me a question in my comments but I had no way but via my blog to respond. So Lisa Carol.. reveal yourself honey.. if you have a blog let us know! We love to blog hop to new places!

As for the rest of you.. SMOOCH!!!

Ok on to my real post. My sister person and I are both very strong advocates of fall. She tries to save Thanksgiving every year from being over taken by Christmas. I relish in Halloween myself.. are any of you surprised?? Either way fall is a favorite time of year for both of us. I think she always looks so radiant in the fall, I think it has to do with her tones, she is a very beautiful woman and it is something about the fall colors that just make her pop.

Another thing I just adore about fall, Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks! Oh not to mention the pumpkin cream cheese muffins they have. I can actually SEE my ass get bigger as I am walking out the store but dear god those things are to DIE for. The good thing is that the closest Starbucks to me is an hour away. However, there is a substitute, International Coffees has a Pumpkin Pie coffee cream in the diary section and I must say it runs a very close second. To me it is just the perfect thing on those brisk fall mornings or cool fall evenings. I made a cup tonight and walked out on the deck to enjoy the air and the pumpkin. I was in heaven.

The one bad thing about fall on the water is nothing changes. We don't have the beautiful color changes of the trees, we many have Pine Trees around these parts so leaves of fall color is not something I get to enjoy unless I take a trip west, which I never do by the way.

Oh and apparently my blog is boring.... no pictures.

I hate my camera, so I don't take many pictures anymore.

SMOOCHIES!!!

Mystery Solved

The song is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. I didn't really mean to make this a guessing game, yesterday's post just popped into my head at an inopportune time for blogging. So I just threw the lyrics up there and let it ride.

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face...

...stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

One of the best lyrics ever.

Thanks Kim for reminding me of it.

The books I read...

Since I have three weeks off from school I have started reading for fun again. I am currently reading Fahrenheit 451 which I swear I was supposed to read in high school but don't remember actually doing it. Which is odd because I typically read what I was supposed to. My problem wasn't that I didn't READ the material it was my view of the material was always what the teachers called WRONG.

It leads me to believe that teachers really do not want us to think, they just want to pump us full of ideas that some high power has decided is what is right. I remember I once did a term paper and was told how wrong it was because of my personal view on the subject matter. I matter of factly told the teacher that I was not in fact wrong I just didn't believe in the same things that she did. I got an F anyway.

I also remember having to pick apart literary works of art and spew back to the teacher what the author meant by saying something like "the sky rolled with a blackness the color of death" of course me being the person I am my typical response would be "I haven't the slightest idea because death isn't black at all .. it is more of a teal." Again I would get a F. Why was it wrong.. because apparently that the author meant was something to the effect of "it was dark outside" My question was always.. well if that is what he meant why the hell didn't he say it was dark outside! My point also being that if the author wanted us all to think that what he meant was it was dark outside then he would have left no wiggle room, he would have said that.

I can give you many different means to "the sky rolled with a blackness the color of death."
1. there is a storm rolling in.
2. the sky was filled with spirits of the dead.
3. the sky was clouded with smoke

And I can tell you all of the are right... how do I know.. because I wrote the stupid line.

I get so tired of people telling me how to interpret things, I have a brain, I will decide on my own. Apparently I am failing life as well.

Oh Dear Sweet Kim

As much as I love you.. your request for Nancy .

Denied Denied Denied!!!

I hate hate hate Nancy. I can't even being to tell you how much I hate her.
I could care less how interesting she is or not.

Sorry.. I am a little bitter.

smooch

The Deadly Dinner Party

WARNING.. WARNING WARNING.. Sister Person.. skip over this ENTIRE post .. I don't want you upset.

Ok a great friend asked me today if I had ever played the dinner party game and if I had heard of it.
Of course I had but I just didn't know it by that name. The games goes like this.
Name ten people you would invite to a dinner party if you could either living or dead. There is no limit as to the who's.

I rattled them off very quickly then returned and changed it and then scratched some off and added a few more.
I am obviously not very good at this game. I had a horrible time limiting it to ten. So for the sake of my blog.. I am going to say 20. There is something very oddly sad about all of my choices with the exception of my grandparents and I still think I chose them originally out of obligation because 3 of them I believe they knew me as a grown woman and I showed them I loved them over their long lives.. One of them I would love to see and chat with but not at a dinner party it would be way to personal as I feel it would be with all of my grandparents so I have once again crossed them off of my list.



1. Marilyn Monroe - deceased- tragically- Choice one. I would ask her how exactly one wears fake eyelashes and how it feels not to have to be yourself any longer and have your entire life rewritten just so you can be a goddess. Oh and I would want to know why the hell she ever left Joe! I am not sure if I would ask her what happened the night she died. I don't think I want to know.

2. Jim Morrison -deceased- tragically- Can't tell you what I want him there for it isn't blog appropriate.

3. Sid Vicous- deceased- tragically- Can't tell you about him either.

4. Melanie- deceased-tragically- best friend from high school. I would ask her how we were so right about her but so wrong about me.

5. My Brother in Law- deceased- tragically- I am not sure I want to get into what I have to say to him. I will cry.

6. My other dad- deceased- tragically- it is tragic for any 18 year old to lose a father figure and even more tragic for an 18 year old to lose their father. I would want to tell him all about me and the sister person and show him how great she turned out. Not that he doesn't know.. I just want to see his smile and the pride in his eyes one more time.

7. Dale Earnhardt- deceased- tragically- I have no clue where he came from exactly other than he was part of my life growing up and the day he died I cried for hours and felt I had lost part of Sunday.

8. Humphery Bogart- deceased- not so tragic- I would ask him to call me Sweetheart all night. Although I am not sure I would have to ask.

9. James Dean- deceased- tragically- Not to be confused with Jimmy Dean the sausage dude. I would ask him to stand in the door err hmm LEAN in the door way all night looking at me with that look.. ooohhh the look.

10. Elvis- deceased- tragically- He was just a shoo in because he fit the bill- but I would ask him to sing Suspious Minds and You ain't nothng but a hounddog one more time.

11. John Belushi- deceased- tragically- I would ask him to do the Samurai Guy one more time and tell him that he didn't have to watch his language.

12. Kurt Cobain- deceased- tragiclaly- I wouldn't ask him to do or say anything. I just wanted him there.

13. John F Kennedy-deceased-tragically- again I don't think I would ask him anything I would just like to observe MM and JFK in the same room.

That was my list.. that was my dinner party. Not one living soul among them and only one who passed relatively peacefully.. if you can consider being 80 pounds with no esphogas and missing your lymph nodes peaceful.

I blame the sadness of my post on Katy and Monkling.. neither had chipper post today.

SMOOCHIES TO YOU ALL.. LIVING AND NOT SO LIVING.

Am I who I want to be...

I pulled this little piece out of the sister persons What she did this summer..

There is a song by Switchfoot "This Is Your Life", it's my summer anthem. The most powerful lyrics in the song are:

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

I haven't the slightest clue who exactly Switchfoot is.. the name seems to indicate they some 70's band but I can gaurantee you I am wrong there. I mean doesn't Switchfoot fit right in with Foghat, Blackfoot, names like that?

Ok the point of this post has nothing to do with band names although I am sure I could do a complete post about the weirdness of some of them. Golden Earring??

Anyway.. the point is Am I who I want to be...

To be honest .. no. am not who I wanted to be. Let me explain.
Who I wanted to be 20 years ago (give or take a year or so) doesn't fit with who I am today.

Let me start from WAY back when I was 5 I remember being asked what I wanted to be when I was in kindergarden. My response was a Nurse. That had to be the stupidest response in the world. I don't mean just a little dumb I mean full out STUPID. Not only can I not stand the sight of living blood but even a needle piercing living skin makes me queezy.

It seriously makes me wonder how I lived through the numerous piercings I have as well as multiple tatoos and dying for more. To me it isn't the same... I mean I can handle someone shoving a spike through my tongue no problem.. come at me or someone else with a needle and look out I am going to hit the floor. I can not watch Trama life in the ER, surgery shows on Discovery, ER, Grey's Anatomy, or House alone because there will be no one there to say.. it is ok you can look now. My husband has grown used to my queeziness to a degree and hands out the band aids so I don't have to look and he watches tv with me so I am not sitting there alone in the dark with my eyes covered screaming at no one IS IT OVER YET??

Now in direct contrast to this, I can watch autopsies, view mangled bodies, stomach the smell of burnt or decomposing flesh like it is second nature. Doesnt' bother me. Not at all. Maggots, bugs, I am fine. Even if they are wiggling in decomposing flesh. I know I sound sick but seriously I am not. Let me explain. I think I missed my calling back in kindergarden.. it wasn't a nurse I had the want to be, it was a medical examiner. Death does no bother me, not in a sense that I back away from it. There are many dead people out there that have one last story to tell, they can tell us so much.. who murdered them, what they did on their last moments, how the accident of their death occured. Just one more story before they are laid to rest. It takes a certain kind of person to get that story out of another human who no longer has a voice. I think I was that person but I missed it. I know could always just keep going to school and get it right.. wrong. You see the queeziness of the living has gotten much much worse in the last 10 years I mean to the point of panic at a small cut bad. And to be an ME you must complete medical school. There is no way I could do it. It is a shame because 20 years ago it would have been uncomfortable but i would have survived it without banging my head on the floor from passing out.

So am I would I wanted to be at 5 no.

I am going to skip to today because the years between 5 and now are riddled with incosistancy and nonesense.

Am I who I wanted to be. No.. am I who I want to be yes.
I know that probably makes no sense at all but I am who I want to be right this minute.
Who I am.... According to Meredith Brooks..

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way"

There are other things that make me who I am as well...
I am a friend.
I have a home.. I want a new house but that is different than a home.
I have money.. just not as much as I would like but does anyone.
I am a blogger.
I am a business woman..
I am a student.

Over all right this minute I am who I want to be. I do not have moments like some people and go WOW.. my dreams have come true. Because the dreams I had before are nothing of the person I am today. That is not a bad thing. I do have moments in time when I do look around and go WOW. My wow is different. My wow is a wow of ..

I finally found what I didn't know I was looking for.

I am the who I should have wanted to be but never knew I could be.

What I did this Summer...

Welcome to my novel!! It was suggested that I edit down and I think that is probably a good idea but I post so infrequently now that I am going to leave you with the long version, it will keep you busy for a few days!

One can only hope that people catch on to this and do the same. The infamous "What I did this Summer.." essay everyone was required to write at the beginning of the school year during nearly ALL of our school years I think should carry on to our adulthood. I mean think about it. When do we sit down and write about what we did in the past few months.. Janunary? At the beginning of the year? Yes maybe some do, I don't. I should, but I don't.
So when I read the "What I did last summer.." over HERE I thought it would be a great idea to do my own and see how many of the rest of you followed suit.

My summer started in April, April 1st, April Fools Day.. you know when everyone gets married. Ok not everyone but I did! I love that April Fools Day is my wedding day. It was also the wedding day of BOTH sets of my grandparents, it seems so special. The following week we went to Nags Head for our honeymoon which turned out to be wonderful! We had a great time, even though it was way to cold to enjoy the beach for longer than an hour or so at a time. It gave us both a chance to explore Nags Head and the surrounding areas without feeling like we had wasted beach time!

The following week after we had a baby! That is right I got married one week got a puppy the next. :) Our sweet little Binky Boo! She is the most wonderful joy! All 3.1 lbs of her!! She really hasn't grown all that much since we got her, maybe a little but not much. Not a day goes by that she doesn't do something to make us laugh out loud. She is the best entertainment and has brought my husband and I even closer together. Binky likes to spend days with her Daddy outside working (aka chasing her best friend Pitty Kuss all around the yard) and nights with her Mama relaxing and reading a good book or watching Law and Order.

Over the next few months we just got into the normal routine of being married, enjoying each other and our time together. Drake finished up school, passing on to the 5th grade (by a miracle I am sure) and spent his first summer in his life with nothing to do! I did not make him join any clubs or programs for the first time ever. He seemed to enjoy the late sleeping and the lazy days of doing whatever he wanted.

I spent quite a few days on the road over the summer with work. 99% of that time I spent the evenings with the sister person. She is such a fun person, and to be able to say that after 25 years I still love her is amazing. Most of the people I considered friends in high school have gone by the way side and I saw them for WHO they are and they weren't people I wanted in my life forever. This summer the sister person and I spent our birthdays together for the first time in 17 years, give or take a year or two. I technically still owe her for her day, she has a day coming of pedicures and whatever dinner she wants. Our birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart and when her birthday rolled around that week was very busy for both of us. (see i haven't forgotten your day). I have to say this year was a birthday I will remember for a long time as it brought back memories of days gone WAY by.

I started school this summer. I know a little backwards, but I did. I finished up those classes this week and I have a two week break. I know I passed Law with a solid A+ 98.5 to be exact. Math I am not so sure about. I am waiting on the last part of my final to be graded. I either squeaked by with a A- or a B+. Considering the amount of time I have been out of any sort of formal schooling I am proud of my grades.

My oldest son got his learners permit this summer. I haven't had the pleasure of having him Drive Mrs. Waterman's Wife around yet, but hearing the stories from my mother is enough to keep me wondering if I want to partake in that pleasure. By the time I had my learners permit I had been driving for years, even a stick shift (even though I have yet to master hills with a clutch) so when I got behind the wheel for the first time legally I just took off like a bat out of hell and haven't slowed down since. My son on the other hand had not been behind the wheel of anything bigger than a lawn mower until about 2 months prior to being legal and had never driving on anything with lines, I think the most he ever did was drive the truck across my mothers yard. Times are so different. My father likes to tell me the story of the time he was stopped by a State Trooper at 14 years old because the tail light on the car was broken. The trooper took him home to his father and the trooper informed my grandfather that Joe had no business being on any road driving. He was only 14. My grandfather promptly informed the trooper he didn't see why the hell not since Joe had been driving around town since he was 10 and hadn't been in a accident ever! I myself was 14 when I took my first spin on state owned highways.

My daughter is 13, what a strange age. We have spent this summer enjoying each other and learning about each other. We have started a new tradition, every two weeks we go have pedicures together and once a month have the eyebrows debushed. I wish I had time like that with my mother when I was younger. Wait Wait Wait no I don't! I wish I had time like that when I was younger with my sisters mother. And sometimes I can remember laying in her bed in the little cottage in Cherry Point talking to her. I was a little older than 13 but not much. My daughter got her first cell phone this summer, which by the way I have possession of at the moment until she can pay me the $25 she owes me for her text bill! My daughter hates the color pink, which is very funny since I did too at her age. Now it is one of my fav's.

My baby turned 10 this summer. It has been a decade since I held an infant at 2 am with a bottle, and I hope it at least another decade before I hold another one at 2 am! I do not miss those nights. What I reflected on was his first decade on his birthday, I remembered how bright his smile was as a baby. What his little feet looked like. His first step. His first word (which was mama) the first day of school, the first time he played contact football, the first bike wreck, the first fist fight. I thought of all the times I spent with him laying on my bed watching some crazy movie on TV. I thought of the summer I read the Wind in the Willows to him every night before bed. My little man is growing up. Even though he still likes Mama's hugs and reassurance I have learned that it is not ok in public. He likes his independence and has no desire to have a "baby sitter" when the husband and I go out. I have that luxury of not having to get one since the mother in law lives right next door and it makes the kid think he has his independence when in truth he doesn't. He is being spied on. He has shown that he does not want to leave home when I am out of town and wants to stay here with the Waterman when I am gone. I can honestly say my family no longer has a baby, or small child. My family now has a young man who is more than a hand full but we love him anyway!

The family has spent a considerable amount of time fishing this summer (some people like golf we like fishing). Dude has the luck with the fish, the Waterman spends so much time getting fish off of Dude's line that he hasnt' had much luck this summer. Did I mention that the sharks are taking over around here and we have caught way more than we actually have wanted too? The first 10 were fun and exciting as they fight and pull and you actually have to work really hard to get them in the boat. But you know you have caught one too many when the 10 year old states rather matter a factly .. I got another damn shark.

I have read many good books this summer, even though due to school not near as many as I would have like to read. I have read so many books in my life that I can't even begin to name them all. I am going to have to thank the sister person for the gift of reading she gave me. I am not even sure if she knows this. But my love of the written word is her fault. I hated to read before that summer in Cherry Point. Even though that was an exciting summer it was still laced with sadness and disappointments that teenage girls should not have to deal with. It was that summer I noticed the small book shelf in her room that was over crowded with Sweet Valley High books. I picked up book number 13.. yup that is me.. never start with number 1. I even started the Harry Potter books at number 2. Either way Jessica and Elizabeth quickly pulled me into their perfect world at Sweet Valley, even though the girls dealt with their own troubles and boyfriend stealing friends they weren't dealing with the sadness and disappointments I was going through in my real life. To be honest even as I opened that first book I knew that I had already dealt with more in my life than Jessica and Elizabeth ever would but that is what I needed. I needed somewhere to retreat, somewhere to hide, somewhere no one knew me and that summer Sweet Valley High was my escape from the world in which I had to live. Since that summer I have explored the Pyramid's in Egypt, visited Ruined Castles, met Magical creatures, solved mysteries, cried at deaths of friends, shared in the joys of marriages and births, rooted for the underdog, celebrated justice served, as well as being part of many adventures in the past and in the future. All by opening the cover of a book. There have been many many good ones and a few bad ones along the way. In my life I have never jumped ahead and read the last chapter for fear of missing the importance of something in between, I have never stopped reading a book completely. There have been times I put one down due to lack of interest but later picked it back up and finished it because it nagged at me. There has only been one book in my life that I can honestly say I wish I had never read, American Psycho, that book has been the start of many bad dreams. That was the one book I wish I had put down and not picked back up. I hated that book from Chapter 1 but continued reading because I needed that guy to be caught, he wasn't. So to my dear sister, thank you for saving my life, because without the retreat to worlds and lives other than the one I have lived I am not sure I would still be living it. (morbid .. yes a little sorry)

Good Lord! Who knew that writing a summer essay would get this long. I am no where near complete with my thoughts but this post is very very long and I have yet to add the pictures! (which I will come back and do since I need to resize them)

So you see.. writing this short essay is a wonderful reflection! Come on guys write your own I want to see where it will lead you!!!!


Smooches to you all!