Sunday, September 9, 2007

Am I who I want to be...

I pulled this little piece out of the sister persons What she did this summer..

There is a song by Switchfoot "This Is Your Life", it's my summer anthem. The most powerful lyrics in the song are:

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

I haven't the slightest clue who exactly Switchfoot is.. the name seems to indicate they some 70's band but I can gaurantee you I am wrong there. I mean doesn't Switchfoot fit right in with Foghat, Blackfoot, names like that?

Ok the point of this post has nothing to do with band names although I am sure I could do a complete post about the weirdness of some of them. Golden Earring??

Anyway.. the point is Am I who I want to be...

To be honest .. no. am not who I wanted to be. Let me explain.
Who I wanted to be 20 years ago (give or take a year or so) doesn't fit with who I am today.

Let me start from WAY back when I was 5 I remember being asked what I wanted to be when I was in kindergarden. My response was a Nurse. That had to be the stupidest response in the world. I don't mean just a little dumb I mean full out STUPID. Not only can I not stand the sight of living blood but even a needle piercing living skin makes me queezy.

It seriously makes me wonder how I lived through the numerous piercings I have as well as multiple tatoos and dying for more. To me it isn't the same... I mean I can handle someone shoving a spike through my tongue no problem.. come at me or someone else with a needle and look out I am going to hit the floor. I can not watch Trama life in the ER, surgery shows on Discovery, ER, Grey's Anatomy, or House alone because there will be no one there to say.. it is ok you can look now. My husband has grown used to my queeziness to a degree and hands out the band aids so I don't have to look and he watches tv with me so I am not sitting there alone in the dark with my eyes covered screaming at no one IS IT OVER YET??

Now in direct contrast to this, I can watch autopsies, view mangled bodies, stomach the smell of burnt or decomposing flesh like it is second nature. Doesnt' bother me. Not at all. Maggots, bugs, I am fine. Even if they are wiggling in decomposing flesh. I know I sound sick but seriously I am not. Let me explain. I think I missed my calling back in kindergarden.. it wasn't a nurse I had the want to be, it was a medical examiner. Death does no bother me, not in a sense that I back away from it. There are many dead people out there that have one last story to tell, they can tell us so much.. who murdered them, what they did on their last moments, how the accident of their death occured. Just one more story before they are laid to rest. It takes a certain kind of person to get that story out of another human who no longer has a voice. I think I was that person but I missed it. I know could always just keep going to school and get it right.. wrong. You see the queeziness of the living has gotten much much worse in the last 10 years I mean to the point of panic at a small cut bad. And to be an ME you must complete medical school. There is no way I could do it. It is a shame because 20 years ago it would have been uncomfortable but i would have survived it without banging my head on the floor from passing out.

So am I would I wanted to be at 5 no.

I am going to skip to today because the years between 5 and now are riddled with incosistancy and nonesense.

Am I who I wanted to be. No.. am I who I want to be yes.
I know that probably makes no sense at all but I am who I want to be right this minute.
Who I am.... According to Meredith Brooks..

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way"

There are other things that make me who I am as well...
I am a friend.
I have a home.. I want a new house but that is different than a home.
I have money.. just not as much as I would like but does anyone.
I am a blogger.
I am a business woman..
I am a student.

Over all right this minute I am who I want to be. I do not have moments like some people and go WOW.. my dreams have come true. Because the dreams I had before are nothing of the person I am today. That is not a bad thing. I do have moments in time when I do look around and go WOW. My wow is different. My wow is a wow of ..

I finally found what I didn't know I was looking for.

I am the who I should have wanted to be but never knew I could be.


  1. Everyone gets grossed out here because I love to watch autopsy shows and those emergency type shows with blood and gore.
    No more anger inducing posts for now. I got that one out of my system. SH has no idea how I feel about the time my Grandmother died and I don't plan on telling him, it wouldn't do any good and would just cause hard feelings. Can you tell I am the middle child/peace keeper.

  2. Is that who you want to be or what? My "who I want to be" has little to nothing to do with what I do for a living. Different takes on the same line.