Welcome to hell where it all starts to come out...

Today is Wednesday which is another day closer to Friday which is another day closer a three day weekend which is 3 days I can actually sleep in but probably won't because by then my insomnia will be back and I will be wide awake at 4 am.

Most of you know I have moved, as in physically away from the little township I called "home" for more years of my life than I can remember. Bavon for me was where I felt I belonged where I felt I could breath, where I felt I could be me. I think part of that feeling had to do with being close to the water. I have always been close to the water when I lived here in Virginia within walking distance and for the last 5 years spitting distance. (yes I measure things in spitting distance sometimes.. doesn't everyone) Today I am much farther than spitting distance and walking would just prove to be a burden, because the closest water to me is flanked by private property and I am not sure the current owners would even begin to understand my draw.

I can always get in my car and drive to the beach or the water but some how that feeling is just not the same. Not being able to look out from my office window and see a tiny sliver of water is disheartening to me. I know it sounds like a tiny little thing in life but to me it is just much bigger. The water is yet one more thing that has been ripped away from me by no fault of my own, unless you consider love a fault. Which these days I consider it a curse so I can see how someone may feel it is a fault.

Someone close to me told me that through this process of grieving I would feel many feelings but the three main phases I will shift through as this process goes on are; sadness, anger and just plain "I don't give a damns". For the first week or more it was complete sadness, I thought over and over that I would never get to anger or the "I don't give a damns" but I am here to tell you they come, even when you think they won't. You could be sitting there minding your own business yakking away on Facebook making a fool of yourself and all of a sudden you are so angry that the only thing that you see is red. Over nothing... someone could have just posted how pleased they were that their spouse changed their drawers (by drawers I mean underwear people) and you could be so angry that you just want to tell them and their clean drawers clad spouse to take a flying leap. I don't think this anger has anything to do with the fact that someone has changed their skivves, but the fact that the other someone has someone in their life that they can be proud of. It has been too many days since I was able to say I was proud of my spouse.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a long twisty turny road on the way to happiness but the truth of the matter is it is happening. It is happening to me. It is not something I can actually hide as I am a typically in your face kind of person and while I do in a sense hide behind laughter and jokes the rest of this is right here at the surface all waiting to spill out. Just this week I received a text asking me why I had posted on Facebook that I had moved. At first I didn't really recall posting that specifically but I may have, then I was asked why I would put something so personal about THEM out there for the world to see. "Excuse me.. about YOU.. ABOUT YOU?? You are kidding me right... so this is still all about you.

I was the one that had to leave my home, I was the one that had to explain to the people closest to me the truth, I was the one that wakes up at night to traffic not frogs (not that I like frogs mind you but I dislike traffic more), I am the one that daily finds something I wish I had with me, from something as big as my baby dog (which by the way I wish you would stop using as a pawn) to as little as my cutting board because it is red and cute. Yet some how, you feel you are the victim in this scenario and I have no right to talk about how I feel, where I am or better yet WHY I am where I am. Guess what buddy.. I woke up angry so SCREW YOU."

Today I came back here, to this blog after posting yesterday for the first time in months wondering if I existed.. wondering if my thoughts were still alive.. wondering if my life needed telling.. I have mulled that over since and I have decided there may be many things I may lose in the situation as it stands today, my water, my home, my dog, even my cute little red cutting board but the most important thing I won't allow him to take is ME, and part of me is this part of my life and I won't apologize for that to anyone.

So for now.. I am back.
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