Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Welcome to hell where it all starts to come out...

Today is Wednesday which is another day closer to Friday which is another day closer a three day weekend which is 3 days I can actually sleep in but probably won't because by then my insomnia will be back and I will be wide awake at 4 am.

Most of you know I have moved, as in physically away from the little township I called "home" for more years of my life than I can remember. Bavon for me was where I felt I belonged where I felt I could breath, where I felt I could be me. I think part of that feeling had to do with being close to the water. I have always been close to the water when I lived here in Virginia within walking distance and for the last 5 years spitting distance. (yes I measure things in spitting distance sometimes.. doesn't everyone) Today I am much farther than spitting distance and walking would just prove to be a burden, because the closest water to me is flanked by private property and I am not sure the current owners would even begin to understand my draw.

I can always get in my car and drive to the beach or the water but some how that feeling is just not the same. Not being able to look out from my office window and see a tiny sliver of water is disheartening to me. I know it sounds like a tiny little thing in life but to me it is just much bigger. The water is yet one more thing that has been ripped away from me by no fault of my own, unless you consider love a fault. Which these days I consider it a curse so I can see how someone may feel it is a fault.

Someone close to me told me that through this process of grieving I would feel many feelings but the three main phases I will shift through as this process goes on are; sadness, anger and just plain "I don't give a damns". For the first week or more it was complete sadness, I thought over and over that I would never get to anger or the "I don't give a damns" but I am here to tell you they come, even when you think they won't. You could be sitting there minding your own business yakking away on Facebook making a fool of yourself and all of a sudden you are so angry that the only thing that you see is red. Over nothing... someone could have just posted how pleased they were that their spouse changed their drawers (by drawers I mean underwear people) and you could be so angry that you just want to tell them and their clean drawers clad spouse to take a flying leap. I don't think this anger has anything to do with the fact that someone has changed their skivves, but the fact that the other someone has someone in their life that they can be proud of. It has been too many days since I was able to say I was proud of my spouse.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a long twisty turny road on the way to happiness but the truth of the matter is it is happening. It is happening to me. It is not something I can actually hide as I am a typically in your face kind of person and while I do in a sense hide behind laughter and jokes the rest of this is right here at the surface all waiting to spill out. Just this week I received a text asking me why I had posted on Facebook that I had moved. At first I didn't really recall posting that specifically but I may have, then I was asked why I would put something so personal about THEM out there for the world to see. "Excuse me.. about YOU.. ABOUT YOU?? You are kidding me right... so this is still all about you.

I was the one that had to leave my home, I was the one that had to explain to the people closest to me the truth, I was the one that wakes up at night to traffic not frogs (not that I like frogs mind you but I dislike traffic more), I am the one that daily finds something I wish I had with me, from something as big as my baby dog (which by the way I wish you would stop using as a pawn) to as little as my cutting board because it is red and cute. Yet some how, you feel you are the victim in this scenario and I have no right to talk about how I feel, where I am or better yet WHY I am where I am. Guess what buddy.. I woke up angry so SCREW YOU."

Today I came back here, to this blog after posting yesterday for the first time in months wondering if I existed.. wondering if my thoughts were still alive.. wondering if my life needed telling.. I have mulled that over since and I have decided there may be many things I may lose in the situation as it stands today, my water, my home, my dog, even my cute little red cutting board but the most important thing I won't allow him to take is ME, and part of me is this part of my life and I won't apologize for that to anyone.

So for now.. I am back.


  1. Hang in there hon…..I've been exactly where you are.

    It will take as long as it takes. Period. Anyone tries to tell you "get over it", "it's time to move on" before YOU are ready…..need to go take a FFF (flying fizzy f%*k).

  2. I hurt for you, but know we love and support you, and a LOT of other people do, too. If folks don't understand, who cares what they think.

  3. If those aren't the feelings I had five or six years ago...and I didn't move...I am glad you are back to the blog, Love you just as you are, fightingmermaid :)

  4. Oh, I've so been where you are. And it SUCKS! For me, the anger lasted longer than ANY of the other emotions, but eventually, it passed as well, and the "I don't give a damn's" came and went. Now, nearly 6 years later, I have complete and utter apathy for that someone.

    Hang in there, and deal with it how and when you are ready. Don't worry about the others. This is about YOU!

  5. Well if you werent so angry I would make a joke and say its all about me .. but I wont .. I will say just do what makes you feel better, if that's venting here or on FB or in an email (I listen good) go for it .. I am sorry the water isnt there to comfort you but I suspect you might have a photo or two you can set out and look at that might help .. or not .. just know you have friends who care ..

  6. Bravo! I applaud you wholeheartedly! 2 days ago I cried about the fact that I'm going to have to leave my new bathroom fixtures behind eventually. Seriously? the toilet paper holder?
    Don't let him take who you are! I did and it's a real struggle to get back to you again. As for the water, make time to drive there and spend some time just being near it. It's part of who you are whether it's just outside your door or a couple minute drive away.
    You're strong, you'll pull through this and be much better once you're on the other side.

  7. I love that you are back, Re. I missed you. You are loved by so many and that might now make you feel better now, but it is a soft pillow to land on when your heart needs a hug.

    Love you, girl. xoxo

  8. Love you Re!! So sorry that you are dealing with this! I can relate I have one I will have to deal with that thinks it's always about them. Unfortunate that there are those like that that we have felt drawn to at some point in our lives. I have learned (it took 8 years) that God places them in our lives and we are to GAIN something from what we have been through. Whether it is to help someone else in the future, learn about forgiveness (HARDEST LESSON EVER!!!), or for us to just grow, we need whatever He has placed before us. You will be better for this!!!

  9. You can come here and visit with the water any time you want. Any. Time. I'm here to help you any way I can. You are giving birth to a new you, and as you know that's very painful. Be strong and keep going forward in spite of the pain.

    (If that pisses you off, you can come smack me. The words sort of piss me off, but they're true.)

    Love and hugs to you.

  10. Wat a wonderful freeing post.... I won't go into any details, but I have been there, done that and have the t-shirt. Here I am 12 years later and loving my new life and new me. I just wish that my life would have exploded like it did 25 years earlier than it did, so I could be a lot younger and loving all of the newness of my life and me.

    Unfortunately there is a process to go through before arriving where you need to be. It is painful, but there are lessons to be learned by experiencing all of it.

    Have a blessed weekend.

  11. I've been there too Re. It'll take some time but you will get there. You have a lot of good peeps who love you. I have big shoulders. And if you ever need anyone to take you to the have my number. Love ya!

  12. Ohhh, the only words I can think of shouldn't be posted when I have small children - but old enough to read - looking over my shoulder. Soooo, suck, suck, suckity-suck.

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Take advantage of your friends - they won't mind!

  13. Stay strong, GF. We are all out here rooting for you:) ((hugs))

  14. Wow, hon. Transitions are difficult. And yes, you have to go through the grief cycle. But - you have an opportunity to reinvent yourself here - and if I can help along the way, by listening or doing anything else, just call on me, sister-blister!