Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hey there Ho there...

noooooo NOT me. Jeesh.. It is just a saying people.

So I have a question for you guys, just because I am at a stumbling block right now with this. "Are words ever meant to be trusted or does action have to take place prior to belief?"

I ask you this because over the past couple of years I have heard words repeated to me over and over in the forms of "It won't happen again." or "I am truly sorry" or "I love you" and there was no actions taken to show me that any of those words were true and that has left me with what appears to be the inability to trust or believe the words of anyone. What's that saying about one bad apple again?

You may walk up to me and say something as simple as "Your hair looks nice today." and I will spend the next hour in the bathroom trying to figure out what is wrong with it. Maybe you said "You are really funny" and my brain hears "Will you please just shut up you are making my ears bleed, you couldn't make a hyena laugh!" and lets not forget the "You are pretty." thing because quite honestly that is supposed to be followed up sometime shortly with "You are the nastiest thing around I don't know why you are alive." I suppose my biggest place of untrust (it isn't mistrust I haven't trusted to mis it yet LOL) is when people say "I will be here for you" I THOUGHT that was what "til death do us part" meant too, trust me when I say that isn't necessarily the case if you can manage to escape.

I hope that one day I can trust in words again, words are a beautiful thing, in the form of a book, a poem, a song, a story, a speech, and a simple 3 word phrase (not to mention blogs). Trust is something I always had when it came to words I believed in the passion and love and knowledge behind them, now I have had to face to darkness, the hatred, and the abuse behind them and much like a large rabid dog would rip apart a sweet fragile dove, my fragile belief in words has been shattered.

Some of you are probably reading this thinking to yourself well isn't she just a bitch for not believing I am here after all this time, after every time I told her to call, after every time I told her that I would always be here. I just want to say to you all I truly truly apologize, this is NOT the way I wanted to feel this is the road that life has taken me down at the moment and I am sure that there has to be a path to the road of trust again but at this moment I have not found it.

I at least pray there is a path back to trust because I really do not enjoy being this way, until then, I suppose I should be from the "Show Me State" or maybe "Eastern State" who's to say.


  1. shhhhhhhhhh, be silent and think on what you just wrote. There is a point and time where you DO stop trusting because the words are lies. There's quite a difference in trusting the words of a true heart and the words of someone just trying to keep their world from following apart and telling you what you want to hear. Stop making it THEIR problem (which you cannot change) Start making a change in you. Trust until that trust is broken. Place that trust carefully in those with good hearts.
    Because if you allow one person's big mistake to rule your world like this . . . they win.
    Been there, done that, have quite fewer friends than when I started down the path.

  2. Wise words from Phyll. I know it is so much easier to say than do, but just be you. Those that really matter will rally around and love on you whether you are "trusting" them or not, and those that don't, don't matter. So give your attention to those who do matter, and don't worry so much about the others. Trust will find you again when you leaast expect it. XO, K

  3. I like what Phyllis said in her comment.. I don't know quite what to say because you have been hurt really a lot by reading your post. You have been hit with a 1,000 pound hammer and it hurts..
    I love the ocean and I live 1,000 miles away from it.. Sometimes I go to a webcam on the internet that shows the ocean and just sit and listen to the waves coming into the people walk the beaches. There's something theraputic about listening to those waves crashing onto the beach..
    Put happy people into your life that have positive attitudes.
    I saw you were back posting on your blog and I was glad to read your post again. Even thou it sounds like you are going through a rough time right now.. I just can honestly and truthfully say "I'm sorry." Have a great day~! ta ta for now from Iowa...

  4. Belief is like a muscle, you must flex and use it. Start small. Start by believing in yourself. What do you know to be true about yourself?
    Then consider that there is a difference between trust and reliance. I could say "you are lovely" and you are not relying on me to feed, clothe, house or save you. Allow yourself to believe words that don't require you to rely on them. Then believe in the words of friends, strangers and the supermarket... Eventually you will be open and able to believe words that matter to your heart.

  5. Phyllis is wise .. Diane is speaking truth .. trust is earned and after being someone's verbal punching bag trust should come slowly to anyone smart and you are smart .. so baby steps and like Diane said first you must trust yourself.

  6. Iowa! so very true. Diane, wise words! All the others, thank you for being here for my Sisper. It means a great deal to me that she has others rallying around her as she heals and moves forward.
    Re, LHK. You are the bestest thing since . . . well since ever.

  7. Very good words from the above 'posters.' The only thing I have to add, is that there is no time limit on what you are dealing with. I had the same issue after I left my 'ex' after mental & physical abuse had ensued for several years, and I HID for 2 1/2 years before I felt healed enough to be around people again. Something that I have been hearing a lot lately is that "faith is an action word." So having faith in words (I believe) has to be backed by action before we can trust that the words are true.

    You will be ok and even better for what you have withstood. "This too shall pass." Oh, and if you need me you know how to reach me.

  8. Time does heal and your heart will once again accept the truth of words if you risk and allow it too. Once you can move beyond the pain and the lies. Once you can wrap all of that up and tie a bow around it, place it on a shelf and move forward, you will find a new you and a wiser more compassionate you because of what you have been through.

  9. Dr Phil says time doesn't heal all wounds. what you do with the time heals the wound. :-)

  10. Greetings from Southern California :-)

    I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

    God Bless You, ~Ron