Wednesday, October 27, 2010

With Regret

Technically it was with mockery but whatever, I have written my obituary. I am hoping that between now and then it will be filled in with yet more fun facts but for now here we go.

Please feel free to send me any edits you would like made, I will approve or reject and squeeze them in when I can make time over the next 60 plus years.

With deepest regrets this obituary is running to inform you that Ann Marie Burroughs Haywood has perished.
Re died unexpectedly late last evening while entertaining a guest that should probably remain nameless.
While Re lived a long life of 90 plus years (none of us are supposed to know she is really 103) she still was spry enough to seduce the youngest of men, and did so frequently in her home in the Outer Banks of North Carolina and her summer cottage in Italy.
She leaves behind 3 children, two sons, Drake (76) who is still going strong in the competitive video game circuit while donning black hair and Dustin (81) who is made millions creating video games that only his brother Drake can beat and a daughter Deanna (79) who still wonders daily if this bizarre creature was really her mother. Also in her wake she has left a trail of men who may never get over her untimely departure from this life, one Sisper who is still laughing at the fact Re predeceased her and her OPM who loved Re unconditionally but who did not share with her the survival juice so she could make it to .. well let's just say older, so now OPM will be haunted for eternity.
Re will be met in the afterlife by her loving father, Henry Burroughs, her fake mother (who is still rolling over in her grave) Ruth Ann Hutson, her real mother who shall remain nameless as well to protect the not so innocent, a beautiful half sister who helped Re figure out the mystery of her parentage, her sweet angel Dustin Stilwell, and countless envious friends and relatives.
Please plan to attend the HomeGoing Party to be hosted by Ms Haywood's Sisper Phyllis Marsh at her Estate in Mathews County "Firefly Manor".
In lieu of flowers please plan to bring booze.


  1. I think it sounds pretty damned awesome! In your will, who gets the recipe for bloody mary's?

  2. My will .. will be written shortly. At that time important things will be dispersed.. like my men, my camera and my bloody mary recipe.

  3. I prefer a home going party over a funeral any day!

  4. Well if I dont go before you...I'll plan on tending the bar!

  5. Since I wasn't mentioned in the damn obit, I expect to get Razzi...just saying.

  6. Your secret is safe with me.

    I'll bring Laughing Cow cheese and some Triscuits with my booze because that's the kind of classy funeral guest I am.

  7. Writing your own certainly have the right idea - I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! May it come true...5 years later than you said you were when you kicked the proverbial bucket.

  8. I'll bring Chocit Shakes and farshmellows

  9. Its perfect ... may I have you zoom lens?

  10. Can I get the deviled egg recipe? And a man? Or two?