RE'Sycled Wednesday

She has been gone over two years now and I still miss her tremendously.
Til we meet again Binky Boo...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Let's put this in Perspective...

My dog and the phone are just about the same size!!! She is being such a good little girl, she is trying so hard to go potty where she is supposed to!!! I can completely understand why she isn't liking the paper training thing.. she gets her feet wet! I am sorry but peeing on your own feet is NOT acceptable! Especially for such a little princess. I am trying alternate things and will see what happens.

The infamous "THEY" say that these little dogs are one people dogs but I can honestly say she loves her Mommy and Daddy equally. She spends part of the time snuggled up to me while I am either on the computer or knitting and part of the time with her Daddy while he is snoring or eating. I think she got seriously afraid something was wrong with him yesterday when he fell asleep on the sofa and started snoring. She stood in the floor in front of him whining and then jumped up on the sofa and snuggled down and took a nap herself.



I have also decided that in order to get REALLY REALLY good sleep one must learn to sleep like this!!!

In knitting news.. I have done more rip rip rip than knit knit knit. When I actually get past row 3 on something I will show it to you, until then you only get pictures of the Baby.

I am also a little worried because the REAL 9 year old baby comes home on Saturday from FL. I am sure there will be good pics of him then, but what is he going to think about not being the BABY anymore. And is it possible to teach a 9 year old to play GENTLY with something so small???

I have a problem with numbers....

Please please please take me on a walk. I will be good.

I have a problem deciphering if they are going up or down apparently and when they are in fact going up I decide not to worry with it until it becomes some astronomical number that I can no longer deny or hide from. The point I am getting to here is leading directly back to the post a week or so ago where I declared myself unfit to even breathe eat cupcakes.

Shortly after the day last week in question I did in fact lace up my tennis shoes and put on clothes other than pajamas and have been going for a walk just about every day (except the two days I thought my face was melting off with some kind of slow burning acid, but after I felt better I headed right back out). Now I am a bit different when it comes to walking, and I have tried it "the other way" and I don't like it. I walk with no iPod, no phone, no nothing with me. It is my quiet time. Don't get me wrong.. I completely understand why some people like it and I used to until I realized that time could be spent reflecting on me and what I am trying to accomplish. I have also realized that I get in a tremendous funk if I stop doing it for any length of time, so I am hoping that my daily walks in the sun shine, or not so sun shine as it happened yesterday will increase my happiness level. Not to mention it makes a little tiny dog VERY happy to get out for a walk.

Anyhoo, there is as point to all this rambling about what I like and I don't like and what I do and I don't do... I was thinking the other day that I am having a bit of an issue being accountable to anything, including myself. At this age I should be able to reach a goal by just being accountable to me, but it just doesn't work that way. I can come up with a bazillion excuses as why something isn't going right, or why i am not doing the right things to get where I need or want to be. A friend mentioned Weight Watchers, another friend is applying for the Biggest Loser, other friends do it all on their own and everyone is amazed by them. Me... none of those are a good fit for me.

Weight Watchers (and this is just to ME mind you so please let me explain before you get angry and storm off click the x.): I envision ten or fifteen older ladies sitting around with knee highs that you can see at the bottoms of their dresses with little paper books and those little itty bitty pencils with no erasers (you know the kind .. the kind where if you try to fudge your info you can't erase it) in some church hall discussing what they ate that week. There is good reason why I envision it this way... because that was the picture in 1981 when my mother drug me off to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I was ten.

I have since tried Weight Watchers in their newer settings and with their new rules and what not but it is still not for me, I can't be happy losing a quarter a pound a week and don't like it when it gets announced in front of a room full of people who are going to applaud that.. I actually think they applaud when you gain too. Those people applaud everything. Also Weight Watchers is completely and totally about numbers, you have to eat this number of points a day but not over this number of points and heaven forbid you don't reach this many oz of water.. I CAN'T DO ALL THOSE NUMBERS! I think you get my point.

Now lets move on to Biggest Loser, thankfully and unfortunately in the same breath, I don't weigh quite enough to get on the show. I won't be telling you WHAT I weigh but I will say this much it is what the typical woman weighs on there about 6 weeks in I would guess. So trying out would be pointless, the way those women work I would be at goal in 8 weeks and booted off. I wish I could do this in a setting where it happened in 8 weeks but I know that isn't possible. So I am going to quit sniveling about it and be incredibly happy for my friend if she makes it on the show and I will cheer her on with everything in me. (I will also cry at her feet to give me tips when she comes home but that is another story)

While I know what works for ME and SHOULD be able to do the last option and just work it out on my own, there is something in my brain that does not quite click right and I don't find myself all that accountable to me. If I hop on the scale in the morning and it is up 2 lbs.... I just say to myself "pffffttt it is water weight it will be gone tomorrow" knowing damn well it was the three bottles of wine .. never four cheeseburger and fries I had the day before for lunch. So yesterday while I was walking I formed a plan in my head, it is probably the most open plan I have ever come up with in my life for losing weight. In the past I was on forums and message boards and I posted my weight daily, well technically my loss or gain of the day, you heard me right.. DAY. Not week or month but DAY. That was as open about it as I really got, announcing in front of a whole board fully of ladies who were on the same road, fighting the same battle I was, who I didn't even know. In other words not open about it at all. Then one day last week I saw that an old school days friend posted on Facebook that he had gained that week when he stepped on the scale. I was incredibly proud of him for sucking it up and posting regardless of the numbers not going in the direction that he had hoped, and I thought about doing this weekly weigh in thing myself.

Did you see the word THOUGHT about it up there, I quickly dismissed the idea because I knew what a weekly weigh in would be for me. It would mean if I weighed in on Monday morning I would not eat all day on Sunday cause I had chowed down the rest of the week, in other words pointless. So yesterday as I was on my walk with my favorite four legged creature I started thinking about it again, what could I do to be more accountable to me when me isn't worth being accountable to (give me a break this is a conversation that I had with the dog.. jeesh) I threw out a couple of thoughts, join Weight Watchers anyway and not exactly follow their plan but go in weekly and get applauded at.. nah not for me. Start a journal and record daily what the scale said... well you wouldn't have to buy one you could just blow the dust off the 10 you already started.. nah that isn't going to work. Post weekly what you lost or gained and possible never get anywhere cause you are just starving your self the day before.... no no no bad idea. Then the dog spoke up and said, well what if you do it DAILY? And after a moment or two of thought and trying to figure out if that meant I had to publicly announce what the scale actually had on it I realized I could do that. I wouldn't have to tell a blasted soul what the number actually is, just a post of + something or - something daily. Why the hell not. I have tried everything else in the world.

So to those of you who are my facebook buddies, first thing in the morning you should start seeing some number postings, and if you don't could someone please pull a Jillian on me and ask me what the hell my problem is??!!???

One step forward.

Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall

Photo taken of my favorite place on Earth, no matter what season, during Summer I am not alone in my love for the place.

There are seasons, four in all.

Weather changes, sun and rain and snow,
Leaves fall down and flowers grow.

Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall
There are seasons, four in all.

Look outside and you will see
Just what season it will be!

Today that weather is cloudy with a high chance of meatballs lots of rain, but I am good with that.. I think we all need a good spring rainy day. Spring rainy days are much different than winter rainy days, I can't fill you in on the hows and why fors of it all but it is true. Winter rainy days can lead to a vegetative depressed state as mentally the winter rain makes it appears as if winter is never going to end and we are going to be stuck in the house with these people who are getting on our last nerve our family from now until the end of time. We are passed that now, winter is gone and spring has arrived and this rain today is different.

Spring rain has a cleansing affect, when you wake up in the morning and the clouds have moved in and there is thunder and lightening a depression does not fall over you.. (well at least it doesn't fall over me) I get the feeling of a good hot shower, you know that feeling you get the minute you step out of the shower, that you are clean and fresh and ready to face the world again. That is the way spring rain makes me feel, like all of the winter blues are being washed away and it is time to start singing again (metaphorically of course, those who have heard me sing know that it is quite similar to the noise the cats outside make when they are ... errr hmmm playing late at night).

As all of you know this winter has packed on its fair share of blues on my family and me, it is time that we shower those blues away and start putting one foot in front of the other and move forward, while the whole family is no long with us on this particular plane I have no doubt that our sweet angel is watching over us and would not want us to stay in "winter" for another second. He is ready for us to move forward to spring and begin life again even if it has to be just a bit different.

I was discussing seasons with an old friend last night on Facebook, and I made the statement if we didn't have winter we would not appreciate summer as much, and while that is true the realization hit me that I don't really have a favorite season. I like them all equally, I like them all for each of their unique attributes. Spring has a way of waking us up and making us stretch our wings and fly, Summer has a way of making us run and play and relax in the evenings with friends and just enjoy what is around us, Fall has a way of making us slow down and take in all the smells and colors that nature can present and gives us a time to just mellow out, Winter has a way of making us hibernate with in our homes and spend just a tiny bit more time with out immediate families and the people who mean the most to us when we go out. I can't pick one season I like the most, they all have such wonderful qualities.

What about you? Do you have a favorite? If you do, why?

Happy Monday All.

Smooch

Re

What is today again??

Photo taken the other evening on a beach walk.... kinda how things feel right now.

Oh yea.. Thursday but it is also today. And so far today I have the following to be happy about...

1. Woke up on the right side of the dirt. (I think)

2. Actually got dressed.... as in clothes... not jammies.. clothes.

3. I reminisced about the lovely evening I had with some very dear friends who hadn't read yesterday's post therefore did NOT smack the shit out of me.

4. I drank a really nice cup of coffee.

5. Got the children off to school without any major melt downs.. minor but no major.

6. I laced up my tennis shoes and walked the dog .. for 2 miles.

7. I have the most wonderful people in my life, including distant cousins who are new to me but are quickly becoming one of my favorite people on earth. I have a gaggle of Blisters (sorry Phyl). I have the most wonderful Sister Person in the entire world. I have facebook people who I adore. I have peeps coming out of the wood work, who like me for me...

The point is regardless of yesterday's post I do have very positive things in my life.

The problem is.. not that other people don't like me.. the problem is not that I have a mess in my life.. the problem is not my kids.. not the weather.. not lack of money... or food or shelter..

THE PROBLEM IS ME.. I don't like me and that is just the bottom line of it. Yes Yes I get that you should love your self blah blah blah... well I don't. I don't like what I see in the mirror, I don't like my lack of will power, I don't like relationships I have with some people (not including the people from above), I don't like I have a clothes full of lovlies and the only thing that fits is a Muu Muu. I suppose it is time for me to work on me..

I just don't know where to start... I guess at the likely spot. With me.

Help! I need somebody...

Note: the glove in this picture was found exactly like the photo shows... I was scared to see if there was a hand in it.

Help... Not just anybody!

Ok Ok what I really need is to drag my Muu Muu clad ass up out of this chair and strap on my tennis shoes and start exercising, or duct tape my mouth so I will stop shoving in very thing in sight.

I am such an emotional eater it is not even funny, happy.. cake! sad... cake! bored... CAKE! I think you see the point here. If I wake up in the morning and I am still breathing that is a good reason to celebrate .. with CAKE! (or homemade chips with blue cheese and bacon, or purple haze cheese, or a large cheese plate, I could continue on for hours but I will spare you because I am making myself hungry). Things have been a bit crazy around the Waterfront the last couple of weeks and has really impeded my weight loss efforts, March is typically the time when I hit the run way and the gym and the bike and the veggie isle full force getting ready for summer. That did not happen this month and the whole month is GONE GONE GONE. Which also means I am 30 days behind and 30 lbs ahead. Yes I said 30, the same day 30 I lost and gained in 2009, 2008, 2007.. I think you are seeing the pattern here too, so I will stop.

There is quite possibly something mentally wrong with me (ok ok we KNOW there is something mentally wrong with me, but I am referring to the whole weight loss thing, not just normal typical every day life). I don't understand how I can walk around so incredibly miserable, hating the way I look, not looking in the mirror, feeling ashamed to go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner with friends because I think they are looking at what I am eating, hating the way I feel and NOT CHANGING IT... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?????

I realized yesterday that my entire life I have had a skewed self image, and I have just given up because I will never in my life be thin, or skinny, or pretty, or in shape. Why should I spend 4 hours a day exercising when it doesn't matter, why should I write down everything I eat or drink each and every day of my life if in the end I am still going to be a Muu Muu clad Oompa Loompa.

The reason I feel like I have such a skewed self imagine and have completely given up on it all is that I ran across THIS:

This was in a box I looked through yesterday while putting some things together for my mother to take to Florida with her. Now please look past the hairdo and I will admit that it took 3 cans of white rain to hold it like that which probably added about 5 lbs of stickiness to my head, but when this photo was taken... I thought I was fat. Not chubby, not had a couple of extra pounds, not I am a size larger than my friends, I thought I was OBESE.. to use the phrase that I was taunted with in school.. I was as big as a wart hog.. not sure how big one of those actually is but I have a feeling it is not the skinniest animal on the play ground.

So you see, if that looks obese to me, imagine what I see when I look in the mirror now. Hopeless. While I wish this blog post was about how I put on my shoes and used my Nordic Track two days in a row, or how I had ran 7.5 miles yesterday, or how I had even gotten dressed. It isn't. It is a post about how incredbily depressed I am. It is about how I have dug a hole in the sand and continue to dig because I can't see the top anymore and it is all just caving in around me, one doughnut at a time.

Most of my family left this morning to make a trip to Florida to spend time with extended family and to join in the wedding celebration of my cousin. A cousin I grew up with. A cousin that was proably as close to me as my own brother growing up because it seems we were always together, Reedie and Ruthie seemed to always be together back then, or maybe we just thought they were when they were dumping their kids at the others house while they went squealing out of the drive way to get away for an hour or so. Either way that is not the point, the point is I am not going to Florida. I couldn't face the family, the family I haven't seen in years. I have another wedding to attend in June... at this rate I will go to Florida in June so I don't have face the family here. I will probably be in NC during the Mathews High School graduation ceremonies for the class of 2010 so I won't have to face the Cndturtl and so he doesn't see on his day that I failed once again.

Each and every morning I wake up and say.. "Today is the Day". I will do this today, I will not eat like my life is a pie eating contest. I will put on my tennis shoes today and exercise. I will actually put clothes on today. Each and every night I go to bed and say to myself after an audible sigh .. "Maybe tomorrow is the day." I keep telling myself that I deserve more than this that some way some how this time I will suceed. This time never happens.

There was a video recently made of me, it is probably one of the most priceless videos on the plant to me, worth more than any amount of money that someone could pay me. I have been told that it is worth a life insurance policy and a checking account should it ever get out in the public because it has instant heart attack written all over it but to me it is priceless and sweet and probably should be shared because it is down right funny. What the other person who is in the video doesn't know is while I watch it repeatedly because it was one of the best memories of my life I cry through the whole thing every time. I hate the way I look that much.

I am sure that some of you are reading this post thinking to yourself.. wow I didn't log on to read this shit. Well guess what.. see the little X up in the corner.. click it. I didn't ask you to come here and read this, you came on your own, and the last time I checked I was the only author of this blog so if you want flower shaped poo, and rainbow farts.. you might want to look somewhere else for awhile.

I guess if you didn't click the X by now, you are wondring if I have a plan to get myself cleaned up and shake this off. I don't. I don't have a clue what to do or where to turn. Maybe one day the answer will magically appear in my mailbox or fly through an open window tied to a carrier pigeon or maybe it will appear in a bowl of alaphabet soup.. but for now I have no answers. Just an overwhelming amount of questions to myself.. but no answers.
Help.

Out of Order

Yes I think my photography brain cells are out of order.
Seriously... big time.

I went to OBX over the weekend and I have like all of three photos in my camera of the ocean. Three... as in ONE, TWO, THREE. Not three hundred, not three dozen, just three.

I think I need to go back as soon as my brain is back to "normal". Granted I have not a clue if it ever will be close to what I called "normal" again but I am trying. The kids are trying, we all are trying.

The Baby Waterboy was diagnosed with Strep yesterday so that explains the high fevers and the massive amounts of sleeping, he honestly has not been awake 2 hours straight since Sunday night, me on the other hand I don't think I have slept two hours straight since 1974 in the last two weeks. I am hoping that he feels a bit better today and can start working on the 473 assignments I picked up from school for him yesterday and I hope that I have enough sense to help him with it.

To all of you... when you see an old friend or are sending the kids to school or the man/woman in your life out the door.. Hug 'em and tell 'em you love 'em.. everyone needs that.
So Hugs and Love to you all.
Re

Why I love my Sister Person

(I stole this idea from another Mathews blogger, you can read her list here.. stop by and say hi to her)

1. In times of crisis she doesn't say.. GO HOME. She says come here I will help you deal with things.
2. She thinks I am beautiful even when I don't.
3. She loves my kids even when they are pukey.
4. She is the only person who can make me snort when all I want to do is cry.
5. She repeatedly post on TFLN about our past and refuses to stop even when I ask.
6. She has the same size feet I do.
7. I get text messages from Dad when Call me Al comes on the radio at random times.
8. We can laugh over Mooooooooooo! from now until the end of time.
9. She is the only person I would ever be caught dancing in a video with.
10. She knows the difference between 3 and 4 and had the wisdom to ensure 4 didn't happen this weekend
11. After 3o some odd years we can still sit around for hours and talk about the silly stuff we did growing up and make other people laugh.. cause it is damn right FUNNY SHIT.
12. When I need her she is there.
13. We agree on Stinky Feet coffee.
14. We both miss Dad and understand how it feels when the other is sad about it.
15. She used to make me Stove Top stuffing and put it in the fridge for me.. best hangover food ever! Cold Stove Top.
16. She doesn't like scary movies even though I love them.
17. She would rather say screw the dishes and walk on the beach when the sun is out.. the dishes will be there later.
18. She is a good person through and through and would give me the shirt off her back.. if you don't believe me.. peek in my closet.
19. She believes in me when no one else does.
20. I love her because she loves me.