I have a problem with numbers....

Please please please take me on a walk. I will be good.

I have a problem deciphering if they are going up or down apparently and when they are in fact going up I decide not to worry with it until it becomes some astronomical number that I can no longer deny or hide from. The point I am getting to here is leading directly back to the post a week or so ago where I declared myself unfit to even breathe eat cupcakes.

Shortly after the day last week in question I did in fact lace up my tennis shoes and put on clothes other than pajamas and have been going for a walk just about every day (except the two days I thought my face was melting off with some kind of slow burning acid, but after I felt better I headed right back out). Now I am a bit different when it comes to walking, and I have tried it "the other way" and I don't like it. I walk with no iPod, no phone, no nothing with me. It is my quiet time. Don't get me wrong.. I completely understand why some people like it and I used to until I realized that time could be spent reflecting on me and what I am trying to accomplish. I have also realized that I get in a tremendous funk if I stop doing it for any length of time, so I am hoping that my daily walks in the sun shine, or not so sun shine as it happened yesterday will increase my happiness level. Not to mention it makes a little tiny dog VERY happy to get out for a walk.

Anyhoo, there is as point to all this rambling about what I like and I don't like and what I do and I don't do... I was thinking the other day that I am having a bit of an issue being accountable to anything, including myself. At this age I should be able to reach a goal by just being accountable to me, but it just doesn't work that way. I can come up with a bazillion excuses as why something isn't going right, or why i am not doing the right things to get where I need or want to be. A friend mentioned Weight Watchers, another friend is applying for the Biggest Loser, other friends do it all on their own and everyone is amazed by them. Me... none of those are a good fit for me.

Weight Watchers (and this is just to ME mind you so please let me explain before you get angry and storm off click the x.): I envision ten or fifteen older ladies sitting around with knee highs that you can see at the bottoms of their dresses with little paper books and those little itty bitty pencils with no erasers (you know the kind .. the kind where if you try to fudge your info you can't erase it) in some church hall discussing what they ate that week. There is good reason why I envision it this way... because that was the picture in 1981 when my mother drug me off to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I was ten.

I have since tried Weight Watchers in their newer settings and with their new rules and what not but it is still not for me, I can't be happy losing a quarter a pound a week and don't like it when it gets announced in front of a room full of people who are going to applaud that.. I actually think they applaud when you gain too. Those people applaud everything. Also Weight Watchers is completely and totally about numbers, you have to eat this number of points a day but not over this number of points and heaven forbid you don't reach this many oz of water.. I CAN'T DO ALL THOSE NUMBERS! I think you get my point.

Now lets move on to Biggest Loser, thankfully and unfortunately in the same breath, I don't weigh quite enough to get on the show. I won't be telling you WHAT I weigh but I will say this much it is what the typical woman weighs on there about 6 weeks in I would guess. So trying out would be pointless, the way those women work I would be at goal in 8 weeks and booted off. I wish I could do this in a setting where it happened in 8 weeks but I know that isn't possible. So I am going to quit sniveling about it and be incredibly happy for my friend if she makes it on the show and I will cheer her on with everything in me. (I will also cry at her feet to give me tips when she comes home but that is another story)

While I know what works for ME and SHOULD be able to do the last option and just work it out on my own, there is something in my brain that does not quite click right and I don't find myself all that accountable to me. If I hop on the scale in the morning and it is up 2 lbs.... I just say to myself "pffffttt it is water weight it will be gone tomorrow" knowing damn well it was the three bottles of wine .. never four cheeseburger and fries I had the day before for lunch. So yesterday while I was walking I formed a plan in my head, it is probably the most open plan I have ever come up with in my life for losing weight. In the past I was on forums and message boards and I posted my weight daily, well technically my loss or gain of the day, you heard me right.. DAY. Not week or month but DAY. That was as open about it as I really got, announcing in front of a whole board fully of ladies who were on the same road, fighting the same battle I was, who I didn't even know. In other words not open about it at all. Then one day last week I saw that an old school days friend posted on Facebook that he had gained that week when he stepped on the scale. I was incredibly proud of him for sucking it up and posting regardless of the numbers not going in the direction that he had hoped, and I thought about doing this weekly weigh in thing myself.

Did you see the word THOUGHT about it up there, I quickly dismissed the idea because I knew what a weekly weigh in would be for me. It would mean if I weighed in on Monday morning I would not eat all day on Sunday cause I had chowed down the rest of the week, in other words pointless. So yesterday as I was on my walk with my favorite four legged creature I started thinking about it again, what could I do to be more accountable to me when me isn't worth being accountable to (give me a break this is a conversation that I had with the dog.. jeesh) I threw out a couple of thoughts, join Weight Watchers anyway and not exactly follow their plan but go in weekly and get applauded at.. nah not for me. Start a journal and record daily what the scale said... well you wouldn't have to buy one you could just blow the dust off the 10 you already started.. nah that isn't going to work. Post weekly what you lost or gained and possible never get anywhere cause you are just starving your self the day before.... no no no bad idea. Then the dog spoke up and said, well what if you do it DAILY? And after a moment or two of thought and trying to figure out if that meant I had to publicly announce what the scale actually had on it I realized I could do that. I wouldn't have to tell a blasted soul what the number actually is, just a post of + something or - something daily. Why the hell not. I have tried everything else in the world.

So to those of you who are my facebook buddies, first thing in the morning you should start seeing some number postings, and if you don't could someone please pull a Jillian on me and ask me what the hell my problem is??!!???

One step forward.