Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Help! I need somebody...


Note: the glove in this picture was found exactly like the photo shows... I was scared to see if there was a hand in it.

Help... Not just anybody!

Ok Ok what I really need is to drag my Muu Muu clad ass up out of this chair and strap on my tennis shoes and start exercising, or duct tape my mouth so I will stop shoving in very thing in sight.

I am such an emotional eater it is not even funny, happy.. cake! sad... cake! bored... CAKE! I think you see the point here. If I wake up in the morning and I am still breathing that is a good reason to celebrate .. with CAKE! (or homemade chips with blue cheese and bacon, or purple haze cheese, or a large cheese plate, I could continue on for hours but I will spare you because I am making myself hungry). Things have been a bit crazy around the Waterfront the last couple of weeks and has really impeded my weight loss efforts, March is typically the time when I hit the run way and the gym and the bike and the veggie isle full force getting ready for summer. That did not happen this month and the whole month is GONE GONE GONE. Which also means I am 30 days behind and 30 lbs ahead. Yes I said 30, the same day 30 I lost and gained in 2009, 2008, 2007.. I think you are seeing the pattern here too, so I will stop.

There is quite possibly something mentally wrong with me (ok ok we KNOW there is something mentally wrong with me, but I am referring to the whole weight loss thing, not just normal typical every day life). I don't understand how I can walk around so incredibly miserable, hating the way I look, not looking in the mirror, feeling ashamed to go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner with friends because I think they are looking at what I am eating, hating the way I feel and NOT CHANGING IT... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?????

I realized yesterday that my entire life I have had a skewed self image, and I have just given up because I will never in my life be thin, or skinny, or pretty, or in shape. Why should I spend 4 hours a day exercising when it doesn't matter, why should I write down everything I eat or drink each and every day of my life if in the end I am still going to be a Muu Muu clad Oompa Loompa.

The reason I feel like I have such a skewed self imagine and have completely given up on it all is that I ran across THIS:

This was in a box I looked through yesterday while putting some things together for my mother to take to Florida with her. Now please look past the hairdo and I will admit that it took 3 cans of white rain to hold it like that which probably added about 5 lbs of stickiness to my head, but when this photo was taken... I thought I was fat. Not chubby, not had a couple of extra pounds, not I am a size larger than my friends, I thought I was OBESE.. to use the phrase that I was taunted with in school.. I was as big as a wart hog.. not sure how big one of those actually is but I have a feeling it is not the skinniest animal on the play ground.

So you see, if that looks obese to me, imagine what I see when I look in the mirror now. Hopeless. While I wish this blog post was about how I put on my shoes and used my Nordic Track two days in a row, or how I had ran 7.5 miles yesterday, or how I had even gotten dressed. It isn't. It is a post about how incredbily depressed I am. It is about how I have dug a hole in the sand and continue to dig because I can't see the top anymore and it is all just caving in around me, one doughnut at a time.

Most of my family left this morning to make a trip to Florida to spend time with extended family and to join in the wedding celebration of my cousin. A cousin I grew up with. A cousin that was proably as close to me as my own brother growing up because it seems we were always together, Reedie and Ruthie seemed to always be together back then, or maybe we just thought they were when they were dumping their kids at the others house while they went squealing out of the drive way to get away for an hour or so. Either way that is not the point, the point is I am not going to Florida. I couldn't face the family, the family I haven't seen in years. I have another wedding to attend in June... at this rate I will go to Florida in June so I don't have face the family here. I will probably be in NC during the Mathews High School graduation ceremonies for the class of 2010 so I won't have to face the Cndturtl and so he doesn't see on his day that I failed once again.

Each and every morning I wake up and say.. "Today is the Day". I will do this today, I will not eat like my life is a pie eating contest. I will put on my tennis shoes today and exercise. I will actually put clothes on today. Each and every night I go to bed and say to myself after an audible sigh .. "Maybe tomorrow is the day." I keep telling myself that I deserve more than this that some way some how this time I will suceed. This time never happens.

There was a video recently made of me, it is probably one of the most priceless videos on the plant to me, worth more than any amount of money that someone could pay me. I have been told that it is worth a life insurance policy and a checking account should it ever get out in the public because it has instant heart attack written all over it but to me it is priceless and sweet and probably should be shared because it is down right funny. What the other person who is in the video doesn't know is while I watch it repeatedly because it was one of the best memories of my life I cry through the whole thing every time. I hate the way I look that much.

I am sure that some of you are reading this post thinking to yourself.. wow I didn't log on to read this shit. Well guess what.. see the little X up in the corner.. click it. I didn't ask you to come here and read this, you came on your own, and the last time I checked I was the only author of this blog so if you want flower shaped poo, and rainbow farts.. you might want to look somewhere else for awhile.

I guess if you didn't click the X by now, you are wondring if I have a plan to get myself cleaned up and shake this off. I don't. I don't have a clue what to do or where to turn. Maybe one day the answer will magically appear in my mailbox or fly through an open window tied to a carrier pigeon or maybe it will appear in a bowl of alaphabet soup.. but for now I have no answers. Just an overwhelming amount of questions to myself.. but no answers.
Help.

14 comments:

  1. Holy crap, girl, give yourself a break! You will never be pretty? What BS! God makes beautiful people in all shapes and sizes. Try a few small changes if you want-get an exercise buddy, or just somebody to walk with you. But don't be ashamed- you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Mathews is a great place, but it is just as bad (or worse) than other places when it comes to making people feel bad unless they are thin as a rail. Don't fall for that garbage.
    Don't make me come down there HAHA!!

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  2. Two things:

    1. Read my blog, I posted almost the same daggone thing last week.

    2. I finally gave in and decided to spend an ungodly amount of money to see a personal trainer 3x a week. They've got me on a high protein diet, and umm, it's almost too good to be true. Seriously. The irrational cravings are almost *almost* gone.

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  3. Crap.... three things!

    3. Read this blog too. She's been writing and trying for a long daggone time, and there are plenty of times when I read what she writes and it feels like she took the words out of my brain; I identify with her so much sometimes.

    http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/

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  4. We're singin' from the same hymnal! I actually have been buying clothes in the next larger size, which is bigger than I was right after having each of my 3 babies. Ya know what? I can't get motivated to do anything about it either. But ya know what else? I'm not worrying about it. I like me, and the people in my life like me, and you have got to LIKE yourself. LOVE yourself. A few extra pounds do not make or break you or change who you are or why the rest of us like you so much.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta email my mom to make me a muumuu.

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  5. Thought of something else too. 2 years ago I did a big weight loss push, dropped 20. But I told myself it was for my health, not so much because I wanted to be "skinny." Whatever that means. So maybe, if you try to change the way you think about what the weight means to you, it might be easier to start heading in the direciton you want to? Maybe?

    Also - that photo - I had the same experience in high school. Wasn't an athlete, carried around a bit of chub, got teased - but I oh, if I could have my high school weight back again!

    Hang in there, girl. We're here for ya.

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  6. You are beautiful! Now today is a new day;)

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  7. Brings to mind what I say time and time again...I wish I was as thin as I was back when I thought I was fat.

    Maybe it's the time of year. I desperately need to lose weight - and not just a few pounds - and simply can't do any more than talk about it. DAMMIT! I do NOT want to be that fat wheel-chair bound grandma the fam rolls out photo ops. But at the rate I'm going that's exactly what I'm going to be.
    Somehow, Ree, we WILL find the motivation to do ourselves the biggest favor of our lives and get healthy! Just our lives depend on it! And take heart, friend, I'm in a bigger pickle than you by many pounds. Crap.

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  8. Instead of focusing on what you are not, let's take a moment to focus on what you ARE:

    Beautiful (inside and out) And, OH, those eyes;)
    A Great Friend
    Funny
    Fun to Hang out With
    A Good Photographer
    Smart
    A Good Mom

    That's a start anyway. Like Soup said, you have to love yourself before it will be a new day. In the meantime, know that WE love you, and are always here if you need a little pep talk:)

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  9. You have had a rough time of it recently, you lost people important to you .. this is not an excuse, but cut yourself some slack here ... get up, put on whatever fits and go walk .. its a beginning and walking is the best exercise, especially on the beach ... xo

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  10. i can take care of that problem. MM

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  11. Well damn, i was at the fing book fair all day and look what i missed, what about all those days you were walking and px90ing and i was sitting on my ass eating!!!

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  12. First of m'dear, you will never be orange enough to be an Oompa Loompa. Not even Mystic Tan can help ya out there! So put that thought right out of your head. Do ya hear me?

    Now I'm going to get serious.

    You have recently suffered a devastating loss and been through hell in more ways than one. Daryl is right, cut yourself some slack. Not just physically, but emotionally too.

    And now let's talk about what Angie said - focus on the things you are. Loving, generous, a good mom, a good friend (this I KNOW first hand!), a beautiful person, a wonderful photographer, compassionate and about a million other things. I know a lot of people who never will have a shot in hell at being any of those things, and there you are, all of them, and so very much more.

    Now let's see, what did Annie say? See, you aren't the only one who needs to lose a few pounds and the feelings you have about it are normal.

    Let's see, any other Blisters up there? Oh yeah, I see MPM...BINGO! Today is a new day, so is tomorrow. So is the day after that. You get a clean slate every day. Don't worry about what you didn't do yesterday, or what you didn't do today. YOU HAVE TOMORROW!

    And look right there is more brilliance from another Blister! Meg. I think she's hit the nail on the head - change the way we view the weight. Brilliant I tell ya!

    See, we Blisters are full of useful ideas and thoughts...more than that, we're here for each other, to help pull one another up and out, over and through and with a huge embrace for our fellow Blisters at the end of the race...Not only that, we'll be here through the entire marathon.

    Finally, and this is the hardest part I think about weight, and self-image and everything that has to do with that...try not to see losing weight as "getting skinny" or "looking perfect"...see it as what it should be...about getting HEALTHY! It changes the way you play the game and the motivation behind it.

    Oh man oh man...I might go on The Biggest Loser and get rid of all the weight, but I'll likely never lose the ability to talk/write way too much.

    I love ya...and I'm here for you!

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  13. If I had read this before I saw you tonight, I would have smacked you silly.

    As it turns out, I owe you a good smackin'.

    You're gorgeous. Smart. Funny. Artistic. Beautiful.

    The End.

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  14. CBW is right...Gorgeous.Smart.Funny.Artistic. Beautiful...and all those things come shining through in your posts here and elsewhere...Sometimes the world sees us better than we see ourselves...you're too smart to surround yourself with a bunch of lyin' friends...so believe 'em here. XO

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