Note: the glove in this picture was found exactly like the photo shows... I was scared to see if there was a hand in it.
Help... Not just anybody!
Ok Ok what I really need is to drag my Muu Muu clad ass up out of this chair and strap on my tennis shoes and start exercising, or duct tape my mouth so I will stop shoving in very thing in sight.
I am such an emotional eater it is not even funny, happy.. cake! sad... cake! bored... CAKE! I think you see the point here. If I wake up in the morning and I am still breathing that is a good reason to celebrate .. with CAKE! (or homemade chips with blue cheese and bacon, or purple haze cheese, or a large cheese plate, I could continue on for hours but I will spare you because I am making myself hungry). Things have been a bit crazy around the Waterfront the last couple of weeks and has really impeded my weight loss efforts, March is typically the time when I hit the run way and the gym and the bike and the veggie isle full force getting ready for summer. That did not happen this month and the whole month is GONE GONE GONE. Which also means I am 30 days behind and 30 lbs ahead. Yes I said 30, the same day 30 I lost and gained in 2009, 2008, 2007.. I think you are seeing the pattern here too, so I will stop.
There is quite possibly something mentally wrong with me (ok ok we KNOW there is something mentally wrong with me, but I am referring to the whole weight loss thing, not just normal typical every day life). I don't understand how I can walk around so incredibly miserable, hating the way I look, not looking in the mirror, feeling ashamed to go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner with friends because I think they are looking at what I am eating, hating the way I feel and NOT CHANGING IT... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?????
I realized yesterday that my entire life I have had a skewed self image, and I have just given up because I will never in my life be thin, or skinny, or pretty, or in shape. Why should I spend 4 hours a day exercising when it doesn't matter, why should I write down everything I eat or drink each and every day of my life if in the end I am still going to be a Muu Muu clad Oompa Loompa.
The reason I feel like I have such a skewed self imagine and have completely given up on it all is that I ran across THIS:
This was in a box I looked through yesterday while putting some things together for my mother to take to Florida with her. Now please look past the hairdo and I will admit that it took 3 cans of white rain to hold it like that which probably added about 5 lbs of stickiness to my head, but when this photo was taken... I thought I was fat. Not chubby, not had a couple of extra pounds, not I am a size larger than my friends, I thought I was OBESE.. to use the phrase that I was taunted with in school.. I was as big as a wart hog.. not sure how big one of those actually is but I have a feeling it is not the skinniest animal on the play ground.
So you see, if that looks obese to me, imagine what I see when I look in the mirror now. Hopeless. While I wish this blog post was about how I put on my shoes and used my Nordic Track two days in a row, or how I had ran 7.5 miles yesterday, or how I had even gotten dressed. It isn't. It is a post about how incredbily depressed I am. It is about how I have dug a hole in the sand and continue to dig because I can't see the top anymore and it is all just caving in around me, one doughnut at a time.
Most of my family left this morning to make a trip to Florida to spend time with extended family and to join in the wedding celebration of my cousin. A cousin I grew up with. A cousin that was proably as close to me as my own brother growing up because it seems we were always together, Reedie and Ruthie seemed to always be together back then, or maybe we just thought they were when they were dumping their kids at the others house while they went squealing out of the drive way to get away for an hour or so. Either way that is not the point, the point is I am not going to Florida. I couldn't face the family, the family I haven't seen in years. I have another wedding to attend in June... at this rate I will go to Florida in June so I don't have face the family here. I will probably be in NC during the Mathews High School graduation ceremonies for the class of 2010 so I won't have to face the Cndturtl and so he doesn't see on his day that I failed once again.
Each and every morning I wake up and say.. "Today is the Day". I will do this today, I will not eat like my life is a pie eating contest. I will put on my tennis shoes today and exercise. I will actually put clothes on today. Each and every night I go to bed and say to myself after an audible sigh .. "Maybe tomorrow is the day." I keep telling myself that I deserve more than this that some way some how this time I will suceed. This time never happens.
There was a video recently made of me, it is probably one of the most priceless videos on the plant to me, worth more than any amount of money that someone could pay me. I have been told that it is worth a life insurance policy and a checking account should it ever get out in the public because it has instant heart attack written all over it but to me it is priceless and sweet and probably should be shared because it is down right funny. What the other person who is in the video doesn't know is while I watch it repeatedly because it was one of the best memories of my life I cry through the whole thing every time. I hate the way I look that much.
I am sure that some of you are reading this post thinking to yourself.. wow I didn't log on to read this shit. Well guess what.. see the little X up in the corner.. click it. I didn't ask you to come here and read this, you came on your own, and the last time I checked I was the only author of this blog so if you want flower shaped poo, and rainbow farts.. you might want to look somewhere else for awhile.
I guess if you didn't click the X by now, you are wondring if I have a plan to get myself cleaned up and shake this off. I don't. I don't have a clue what to do or where to turn. Maybe one day the answer will magically appear in my mailbox or fly through an open window tied to a carrier pigeon or maybe it will appear in a bowl of alaphabet soup.. but for now I have no answers. Just an overwhelming amount of questions to myself.. but no answers.
Help.