Friday, March 5, 2010

I sit here in stunned silence.

Warning: I feel it is appropriate to leave a warning that this post may produce tears to anyone reading it and more specifically me, so please leave now if you are sensitive or don't have tissues handy. If you can handle incredible sadness read on and excuse my blubbering and incoherent post.

Yesterday morning at 8 am I decided to take Razzi and snap a picture of a teeny tiny crab I had rescued from the beach before the water could come and take her out to the bottom of the bay. She was fully in tack just no longer alive. I thought it would make a great addition to my collection of tiny beach finds, not to mention the photo I envisioned her producing. After only snapping a couple of not so great shots my phone rang and I dashed to answer it, and by dashing I mean walked into the bedroom with a sigh and read the caller id before picking it up. Blocked Caller.

I snatched up the reciever knowing full well who was on the other end before he even said hello. Blocked Caller. That is the calling ID of my ex, he only calls for one thing, bad news. My heart leapt into my throat and I muttered out some sort of greeting and quite honestly I don't remember if it was even hello. He starts every call the same way.. "Hi. It's Mr 10 years ago" like after 15 years I don't know that it is Mr. 10 year ago calling. This morning his voice was heavy with greif and shock, I could hear it in the Hi. I knew that the call was not a good one, I knew that my next statement would be "I am so sorry to hear about your _____." I was filling in the blank mentally with mother, father, aunt, uncle, while no doubt any loss is painful I just had no idea I was going to have to fill in that blank with "son".

While he went on to explain that last night the child that I helped raise while we were together had died. I stood there in stunned silence. No words would come. There was nothing to say. How do you tell a parent I am sorry that your child is no longer alive? How do you console someone on the other end of a phone 300 miles away when you are the one who can't breath? I have to hand it to him, he knew me well enough to know that I would want to know exactly what happened and that I was just merely in a state of denial and wouldn't ask, he rambled on with facts and times and exact details as I sat there just holding a phone. He knew me well enough to understand when the only thing that I could say when I got my words back was "I don't know what to say" repeatedly for what felt like a life time.

His son was 15 years old last night when he got in a car with his 15 year old best friend and headed out to just have some fun. He didn't make it home. While he didn't suffer last night, this tradegy has left a stain on my heart and a fear for the other young children in my life who have a love for speed. Please if you read this let his life be a lesson, goofing off behind the wheel of a vehicle is not a game. You are taking your life and the life of everyone on that road in your hands.

There are so many memories I could share about the sweet little boy I had the pleasure of knowing but I am not sure I could form the words right now even if I needed to so I will share with you a photo of the crab I found today while out walking on the beach trying to get my thoughts together. While I have probably seen hundreds of crab sheds in my life today I happened on one that was partially a bluish purple and pink I am not sure that I have ever seen one quite like it before. I brought that little shed home. Blue and Purple were his colors, Pink mine, we were both Cancers in the Zodiac... I couldn't resist.

I will forever hold your memories in my heart Little Man.


  1. Heart wrenching. Beautifully written, sister person. I am sorry for you loss. I am saddened to hear of his passing. It is simply awful when a young one expires. See? There is truly never, ever words to describe the depth of ones sadness, that's why ppl say those silly phrases. Wonderful tribute and I think that shell was meant for you today! Shaboo shaboo LHK

  2. Heartsick for you all. I buried far too many friends when I was young. My children listen to my warnings nonstop. Heartsick. Sending you all love and light.

  3. Awful.... Awful news.
    I lost my young cousin to just such a careless moment. Now my girls can recite my safety lecture by heart.
    All that energy and vitality gone in one moment.
    So hard...
    Sending warm thoughts your way...

  4. I am so sorry, Re, I am truly aching for you and for his father ... and everyone whose lives he touched. May he rest in peace.

  5. There is no worst nightmare. I'm so sorry.

  6. AM - I am so sorry for your loss. Having already lost a child, I feel your pain. Unfortunately, there are far too many of us that do know what you are going through. Very well written blog!

  7. So sorry to hear such sad news.

    I understand that a young man in Middlesex lost his life earlier this week. I didn't know him, but I know many of the family friends. Not knowing him personally doesn't diminish the anguish that I feel as a parent.


  8. Oh, Ann Marie...there are not words...all I can say is, I am so sorry. This is my worst nightmare for my teenaged grandchildren; the loss of a child is just so completely wrong in every way.

    A heartfelt smooch and big hug to you.

  9. Re, I am so sorry for your loss. I just wrote the words this week that children are not supposed to go before their parents. I am here if you need me and keeping you all in my prayers.

  10. There is no greater loss than the loss of a child and I can only express my deepest sympathy to you and his entire family. Lots of love to all of you.

  11. I, too, am so so sorry to hear it. It's not the natural order of things for parents to outlive their children. My oldest will be 14 in a month and as he presses to increase his independence, stories like this make me want to squeeze him all the tighter.

  12. My heart absolutely breaks for you.

    Sending my love and prayers.



  13. There never is enough to say at a time like this that doesn't sound trite, but I'm sorry to hear your news.

  14. A parent should never ever have to bury one of their children. My heart goes out to all of you that treasured this young man.

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. There is no sadness greater than to bury a child. Six years ago we buried our 10 year old grandson. Just when we would think we had moved on a little something would happen or be said that would bring the sadness of it all crashing in on us once more.
    You are all in my heart and in my prayers.

  16. I never know what the right thing to say is in these instances. I just know that even though I never knew this boy, I feel very very sad.
    No. No parent should have to bury a child. This is a shock and a tragedy.