Sunday, May 13, 2007

So days are just..

Better than others. I am over my pity party to some degree. It helps to actually cry sometimes. Who knew. I couldn't hold it all in any longer today so I did just that. I cried and then I pulled up my big girl panties and made myself blueberry muffins that I have been longing for and one heck of an awesome dinner complete with strawberry shortcake! Who can cry when they are eating strawberry shortcake??? I know I can't. That is just one thing that makes me smile.

I saw three of the four kids today so that is at least a passing grade. And I am grading on a curve this year so I say all in all the day was a good solid B. I know I didn't win any awards this year with my mothering. To be honest I pretty much stink at it. No matter how much I completely love each of them with all my heart I am just not a good shower. It is hard for me. I don't talk much about my kids on here and it is for good reason. So because of those reasons I am going to move on to other topics.

I thought of someone today and I am not sure why. She just came to my mind a little while ago and it made me miss her. It made me sad because of the things she is missing. My aunt passed away so many years ago. Dude wasn't even born and Sis was just a little tiny thing so it had to be 10 years ago. She has four wonderful granddaughters that she did not get to meet. She would have loved them. She could have told them all about her days as a girl scout leader for me and my cousin. She could have told them about how she made sure a neighborhood kid who's mom wasn't always around had dinner. She could tell them about camping in the woods in the pouring down rain sceaming at the top of her lungs that if she HEARD ONE MORE WORD THE NEXT PERSON WAS SLEEPING WITH HER! (and believe me that was NOT somewhere you wanted to sleep) She could tell her granddaughters how her neice was so messed up that she had to come live with her for awhile and how she wrote her letters when no one else would. She could tell her granddaughters how angry she got at her own daughter one day that she threw all of her clothes out of the window of her bedroom only for my cousin to find out years after her death that our grandmother had done the same to her. She could tell her granddaughters how she won a battle with weight problems by finally setting her mind to eating right and exercise. I don't know why she is on my mind today.. but today of all days I am glad she is.. Happy Mother's Day Aunt Reedie!

I am not sure I even want to post this because it is a deeper veiw into me that I am not sure that even I want to see at the moment. I believe that there are changes coming and I am going to need help. I believe that the out come of the changes will be good but the battle will be long and hard. I believe I will need help that I am not good at asking for. I made a list yesterday that I am not proud of. So today I am going to make another list.

Things in my life that I am glad of...

1. I am glad I married the love of my life. There is no other person on this earth that I would want to call my husband.

2. I am glad that I have friends that don't give up on me.

3. I am glad that I have four wonderful healthy children

4. I am glad I have a job that I love and I work with people I love to work with.

5. I am glad that I have a mother I could say Happy Mother's Day to.

6. I am glad that growing up I had 4 parents. Two Mom's Two Dad's I learned life lessons from each and every one.. even if more from some than others.

7. I am glad to have experienced loss of loved ones in my life. It has made me appreciate those that are here more and given me precious memories of those that have gone.

8. I am glad that I found my way home after many years lost.

9. I am glad that I still have the ability to write even though it does get mushy at times.

10. I am glad that I know how to love even when it hurts.


  1. Oh, Ann Marie. This is an incredible post. Very brave, and I am so glad that you decided to go ahead and hit the "publish" button. On so many levels, I relate to the things you said. I will not act like I have any big huge words of wisdom here, but this I can tell you. Even though it is just on-line and even though we are fairly new to each other, I can be awfully good at sticking around, if you want me to. And, hard as communicating some of this stuff is, ultimately it is SO liberating to get some stuff out and just let it go. You feel it coming and you know it's going to happen? From experience, I can say that it's not gonna always tickle to feel the feelings. But, ultimately? You are going to feel about 500 lbs. lighter.

    It's just one woman's opinion, but I really like you. I LOVE your touching, beautiful tribute to your Auntie, who sounds like an absolute hoot and, on the other hand, a life-saving angel. And I'm so glad you have your Mr. Waterman..SO GLAD!

    You know where to find me, whenever you want!

  2. You know, I think every good parent at some point thinks they're not doing a very good job. It's the parents that say all the time how great they are that you have to watch out for.

    You sound like you're pretty in touch with what's important in this life, and I think that's a great basis for parenting, and for life.

  3. Know what Ann Marie? I suspect we are alot more alike than we are different and that we share some eerie commonalities that could shape an incredible bond of friendship. I love reading your thoughts and words. I especially loved them today. Bless you and all that you are!

  4. Goodness, I was thinking of her yesterday too. I think I always think of her each Mother's Day. She was so very good to me. Daggone you for making me cry!

    I think I could use her right now myself. I know what she would be saying to both of us. HELLO, pay attention. Maybe we should get up early and walk on Wednesday. Remember how the vet said she had to stop walking so far because the dog was losing too much weight! I miss her.

  5. And PS ~ I think it was your big, fat mouth that got us in trouble.

  6. Thanks for the open and honest post. It was very brave of you to write without covering up the truths with humor/excuses/etc... I love that you "counted your blessings" at the end too. What a balance of emotions!